Author Topic: [STORY] The Grey Planet [Kill me]  (Read 11045 times)

What This Is:


Short description: A young hunter begs an ancient robot to rescue her family and their god, uncovering a more sinister plot in their efforts.

The Grey Planet is the spawn from a story with a set of characters that i've been dwelling on and writing for a few years. It's had a thread or two in the past but neither of them really captured what I was seeking in the realm of storytelling. The previous original tellings of this story and characters were all prototypes, and were more player interactive as a result. This, however will not be the case now as i've had time to develop these characters and the entire plot-line as a result. This story is no longer going to be interactive, it just wouldn't work like it use to. It's an entire reboot  That's not necessarily a bad thing!

This leaves me with only one option. To share this in a simplified-but-still substantial way. Why though? Because I'm a horrible procrastinator and i want to prove to myself that i can dedicate myself to something if i'm passionate about it enough. I've never fancied myself a writer so my skill in writing composition may be nothing short of 'ok' or worse.



TL;DR: I'm going to post a regularly updated pseudo-written single panel comic book story based on an incomplete script that i've neglected to publish and have been keeping in my head. Enjoy as you embark on this long trek of semi-bad art and beginner's writing.



Other things

I like to post a link to music with each post. Since this story has always been more cinematic in my head, i will be linking songs to give each post a set 'mood'. I'm not an animator so this is just to satisfy my own need as a creator. Don't listen to the music if you don't want to. I personally suggest it though.

I'm going to try to squeeze an update out each evening. I might end up going into a scheduled every-other-day pattern or some other alternative. Since this is just starting out, i have no dates I can provide.

if i'm able to keep this going a couple hundred pages in, i might consider having the whole thing voiced. Voice acting/actors are being considered...

But besides those little details, feel free to drop your criticism and other comments in the thread. (but please refrain from stuffposting).
If you have any creative ideas or contributions to the art of The Grey Planet, feel free to drop a PM to my inbox and i'll make sure I read them.



Chapter One


Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74vpYxZSUJ8

A strong breeze blew the trees to refresh the air for those who dwell in it. Like most rain forests, the world within was teaming with wildlife both great and small, most trying to consume each other for dominance over the rich soil in which they made their home. It brought a subtle but noticeable change in the heavy dampness of the environment and relief with the coolness of a fresh air blowing in from the plains north. Snno, a creature that enjoyed her impunity from the harsh weather from the plains floated on her back in the cool water of a natural spring running from further up into the forest. The changed nature of the air made her open her eyes. Change... that's what it reminded her of.

Snno ceased to let the embrace of the water carry her and planted her feet on the floor of the spring. She stood up and stretched, the water that still clung to her ran down her body back into the water to re-enter a cycle into only the Black Sun knew where. Snno was a tall creature, standing equally in comparison to that of a six foot man. Her complexion was completely pitch black and absorbed light very quickly, ensuring that she doesn't reflect what meager rays of moonlight are cast upon her. Her hands were clawed but flexible with long fingers coming to a sharp point and her eyes were completely white, yet somehow one could tell in his gut where she was looking. Her head was narrow but sleek, with long hair sweeping back into the air like the trail from a comet accompanied by two sharp pointed ears. Snno was an Umbral, a child of the Black Sun, the source of life for her entire species. Snno stepped out onto the bank of the spring and grabbed her spear. Her weapon which she had crafted herself was made of a strong wood procured from the alien trees the forest offered, which could compete even with tempered steel. On the very end of it, a shard of spacecraft hull rested firmly secured to the shaft, glued with tree sap and wrapped with twine. It was a rugged but practical weapon, with the hull shard being strong enough to even pierce armor due to its design being strongly tempered for the harshness of the atmosphere and high impact velocity.



(suspiciously missing twine)


Snno scanned the treeline near her spring and listened for the activity of her village nearby. She could hear the sound of working and hammering, and the high pitched squeaks of children playing a dangerous game of tag with a stick. She could hear the village elder rushing outside to scold the little runts and to steal away their treasured stick. She smiled and stopped listening and grabbed up her game bag. She had freshly killed a Gorobeg, an unusually fat one too for the evenings divvy and bonding time, there might even be enough meat on it to keep for tomorrow and to keep the little ones in line with snacks. Despite her excellent hearing, Snno still had some time before she reached home before the night completely falls, another mile or two at the most and the thickness of the forest wasn't going to make it easy.


(A Gorobeg, still living. The dead version wasn't PG enough for the thread)
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 10:33:32 AM by Tayasaurus »

oh hey this is back
whats your name again?


Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg7nl-uHahI

Snno's final trek through the thick brush went as expected, having slowed her pace just enough for the last bit of the sun to sink behind the thick forest. She had reached the treeline to the village and could already see better with the warm glow of a fire seeping through. She could hear the same busy sounds as before but it seemed busier this time. Snno stepped out into the open and was greeted with a bonfire almost as big as the village elder's house. She looked at the size of the controlled flame with awe and bewilderment. Somebody has been planning something it looks like, Snno thinks to herself. The Umbral village in full view was made up of huts and crudely developed homes, most made from mud and thatch while others attempted to build their dwellings out rock obtained from inside the forest. Each home was evenly spaced from each other with most Umbral requiring an ample amount of personal space to do their daily business. The grass in the center of the village was worn away by the traffic of these busy creatures who were quite clever with their hands, preferring to bide most of their time building new structures and items from wood or other materials. On each side of the village a warrior is on guard, hiding up in the treeline to swoop down on dangerous visitors.


(Umbral children. Very dangerous. Very deadly.)

Her people scurried about the main yard carrying more wood to the fire tossing it in as quickly as they could, paying close attention to the project at hand and not stopping to chatter to one another. The only souls to seem unoccupied and still chattering were the Umbral children all gathered at her feet, one of whom Snno dropped her pack and snatched by the ear as she tried to scurry away.

   "AAAgh. My EAAAR!" Leaf squeaked.

Snno let go of Leaf's ear and grabbed her up into her arms giving her an Noogie.

   "We both know you can't feel anything in your ears you little rodent." Snno hissed playfully.

Leaf's eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms.

   "What do you want? You never pick me up unless you're getting ready to ask me a question." Leaf says snootily.

Snno doesn't answer and instead sees the village elder standing at the entrance of her hut looking at her from across the way. She motions Snno over with her hand and Snno puts Leaf down. Snno hands Leaf the game bag and puts her hand on her shoulder.

   "You and your little friends are to take this to Shimmer. If i find out that you all ate this raw behind some rock, i'll make sure you're all served as a meal for this evenings supper. Got it?" Snno warned.

Leaf huffs and shakes her head before scampering off with the rest of her friends. The faded chatter at Leaf getting a bag with a surprise in it sparked the rest of the group into curiosity.

   "Whats that?" "It's a bag stupid." "I smell meat!"

Snno walked over to the larger hut in the village and stepped inside the entrance. Her senses were immediately assaulted with incense and the sound of of a mortar and pestle. Inside the walls were covered with various animal skins and other painted decor, and the bones of many different creatures, vicious or otherwise. It felt like a cozy Umbral home, and it was only fitting for that of the Elder. The Elder hunched over a wooden table grinding herbs with her only good eye overseeing the task. The Elder was an abnormally large Umbral with a set of faded wings growing out her back, wilted with age. Her face was heavily wrinkled, a biological tattoo of her age and wisdom from many trials, and her hands possessed the longest claws of any of the Umbrals in the village. She has been the leader of the people for centuries and as far as Snno was concerned, for maybe one or two more. Snno could feel the Elder's eye jump up in her socket to look at her.

   "Please, sit on the bed, I must have you sitting for what i must tell you." The Elder said, turning back to her herbs.

Snno quickly sat down on the fur bed. It was rough and prickly, probably the coat of a vicious bear... or a lowly dog. A million thoughts ran through Snno's head. Why does she want me in here as soon as I returned from a hunt? Am I in trouble? what is she grinding? Does she know about the large bonfire?

   "Elder, I-" Snno started

   "Child, call me Mipa. I prefer to hear my own name. You need not be so formal, i've told you for years." Mipa interrupted.
  
   "I'm sorry, Mipa..." Snno said feeling scolded. "May i ask what is wrong? I did not expect you to direct me into your home so early upon my return."

Mipa left her hunched position from the table and walked slowly over to Snno. A smile crept across her rugged face as she pulled an item from a chest wrapped in cloth. Snno's voice gets caught in her throat as she knew immediately what it was.

   "Nothing wrong. It's about what is right."
« Last Edit: September 22, 2016, 11:27:07 AM by Tayasaurus »

Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfY7CobcERI

Mipa smiled and unwrapped the cloth revealing what lay underneath. Snno immediately knew what it was and her mouth hung open. Inside the cloth Mipa cradled the Black Sun, the source of all Umbral life as they knew it. It hummed with an intense energy when exposed to light and created a negative effect where Mipa's hand rested, making it glow white. Mipa's smile turned bigger as she spoke.

   "The Black Sun spoke to me again... she told me it's time." She said excitedly.

Snno stepped back concerned.

   "Time for what?" she asked.

Mipa set the Black Sun gently on her table and embraced Snno.

   "The Sun wishes to speak with you..." Mipa said quietly, almost eerily.

Snno removed herself from the embrace shocked.

   "Mipa this isn't a joke is it? It hasn't spoken to anyone but you all these years. What does it want suddenly?" Snno asked skeptically.

Mipa frowned and looked Snno over before answering.

   "Child, this is the very vessel we were all born from, she speaks to whom she wishes, and perhaps one day only to you should she choose to do so. Open your mind for what she say's can change the very aspect of your life."

Snno bowed her head once again scolded and took Mipa's hand.

   "I am sorry, Mipa. I'm just taken off guard... perhaps i fear what it might say." She said with a shaky tone in her voice.

Mipa gave a kind smile and wrapped the Black Sun back up with the cloth.


(Tempting to make a Rick and Morty joke here. But i'd never be so blatant about it.)

Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9N9MewJde0

   "Worry not dear child. What the Sun say's will be for you to interpret and act as guidance for your life. I'll be with you as you connect to her."

Mipa guided Snno outside and they stepped out into the heat of the bonfire. The rest of the village people had stopped including the children, and stood near the bonfire eerily waiting. The weight of the moment was upon Snno and she could feel herself sweating not only from anxiety but from the heat of the massive flame they had built. She didn't like the way her friends and family stood near the fire watching her with silence. She was not use to seeing this side of them and walked anxiously with Mipa as they reached the closest possible distance from the fire. She still didn't know what this was for, the last communication with the Black Sun was before she was born and after the victory over a terrible battle hundreds of years ago.

The Black Sun hummed louder as the heat washed over Snno and Mipa. The negative effect had expanded beyond the cloth and distorted the visual space around it. The villagers started chanting.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2016, 10:20:22 PM by Tayasaurus »

goddamnit i didnt read op because i thought it was just backstory to the forum game

Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEeEUPrIDao

It was as if all life had been sucked from the air as the chanting turned into a droning hum, drowning out the sounds of the nature around them. The flame grew higher without fuel to feed it's savage nature and the powerful glow strained the vision. The glow as it grew brighter contrasted the darkness around them as it crept forward, becoming more of a pitch blackness and vanquishing the silhouettes of the villagers. Snno's heart raced and she began to shake. She was a hunter and a warrior but this was a new kind of fear, something she knew she didn't want a part of.

The Black Sun lept forward from Mipa's grasp and hovered above the massive bonfire. Her negative aura expanded over the flames as they licked the underside of the orb with ferocious heat. Snno could feel her presence in her mind, but it wasn't soothing, no, it was quite the opposite. Snno felt a sharp pain in her head and she fell to her knees. Her head felt like it could explode any time. Snno felt Mipa take her arm.

   "Don't look away!" Mipa pleaded.

Snno could barely take the pain but forced her eyes upon the Black Sun. The Black Sun was in agony, and a faint screaming could be heard from it.

   "She's not happy Mipa! Please! Let me stop!" Snno cried, tears streaming from her burning eyes which were locked onto the Sun over the flames.

Mipa embraced Snno but Snno could not see beyond the vision she was experiencing.

   "You must trust the Sun Snno!" Mipa said as her voice faded into an echo that danced away.

Snno adapted to the pain in her head but could not avert her gaze from the Black Star. The flames below the orb shrank into an orange flame and revealed a figure before her.


(I said where the hell is the mustard?!)

The figure was huge. Towering almost seemingly 8 feet tall. It seemed oblivious to being observed at first but soon looked at Snno who could feel in her heart that whatever it was, it knew she was there.

   "There you are..." It said in a menacingly metallic voice. It's hands glowed red like heated metal as it reached out for Snno.

   "N-no! Get away!" Snno screeched, unable to find Mipa nearby.

Almost as if it was her who made it stop, the figure withdrew its outstretched hand distracted by a new sight. Inside the flames Snno could see the sky behind it, and a glowing object falling from it, burning brilliantly as it fell to the ground. The figure looked at her one more time before turning and fading back into the flames. It seemed more interested in what fell from the sky than it was her, if it could even see her.

The Black sun plummeted from its position above the bonfire and landed in the ashes of a flame rapidly grown dim. The flames had expended their energy abnormally fast and had burned through the wood quickly, it rolled to Snno's feet as the terrifying ordeal ended. Snno however, could see nothing out of her eyes.


« Last Edit: October 04, 2016, 10:20:50 PM by Tayasaurus »

why is the planet gray like grow some forgetin' cone cells you son of a bitch


Chapter 2

Miles above the planets atmosphere a green monolith of a space station loomed overhead. The raw energy of the sun reflected off of its matte paint, which had long since been faded with 700 years worth of neglect. A signal from the surface traveled almost instantaneously upward and enveloped the station in its waves. Raw data bled into the receiver aboard the vessel and a terminal buzzed to life and the stations thrusters angled the vessel down towards the planet surface.

Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46o6gEYJDxo

Warning! Unauthorized input received! Automatic course correction will now initiate!

The vessel's thrusters turned back on once again and began to reverse what had been done but to no avail.

Warning! Remaining fuel has been ejected! Loading Auxiliary Thrusters!

A second set of thrusters revealed themselves from the inner workings of the giant station and aimed in reverse. The thrusters sparked then died.

Warning! Aux Thruster System offline! Administrator required! Activating MATT!

A sealed door on a crate hissed open in the cargo bay, inside an android buzzed to life and sat up, shuddering from not having moved in so long. It looked at its own diagnostics and rotated each joint, ensuring its operation. MATT then up-linked to the computer without hesitation by connecting to a data port nearby with his hand.

Warning! Atmospheric re-entry imminent! All systems failed! 5 minutes until entry!

MATT immediately disconnects from the computer and leaves his storage unit. His first priority was to obtain the stations black box, ensuring that the data survives. Hundreds of scenarios flowed through his computerized mind as he made his way to the main terminal. The station had already begun to shake violently as the planet pulled the mass of it back towards its center of gravity. Burn-ups in the atmosphere were violent events and could result in the total destruction of anything that wasn't rated against extreme heat. There was little time to think about much else.

MATT reached the main terminal and grabbed a turn lever and twisted. The lever popped up revealing a black cylindrical storage unit. This was the ships entire memory, containing the most significant information to the least.

Warning! Atmospheric re-entry imminent! All systems failed! 3 minutes until entry!

MATT spun around and immediately went to the bridge doors, prying them open with his arms. Lights on the floor flickered to life guiding to the Escape pod. MATT rushed down several corridors before stopping in his tracks with yet another huge problem on his plate. The pod door was completely sealed with the porthole window showing the extreme lack of an escape pod.

The pod is ejected already? Someone must have used it long before the station started entering the atmosphere. MATT thought to himself

Another idea popped into his head and he immediately turned back to where he came from. The station shook even more violently as it came close to reaching its maximum velocity.

Warning! Atmospheric re-entry imminent! All systems failed! 2 minutes until entry!

MATT rushed back into the cargo bay and went back to his crate where it remained, climbing inside. He could hear several breeches in the ships hull appear beyond the cargo doors as the atmosphere rushed out of the rooms. He attempted to close the crate door and seal it back but it simply popped back up. The crates internal power systems had completely drained and the door refused to close.


(get to the craaaaatttee)

Warning! Atmospheric re-entry imminent! All systems failed! 1 minutes until entry!

MATT grabbed the door handle with an iron grip and held the door shut, using his hydraulic strength to keep the crate closed. The cargo bay instantly began to rip apart slinging his crate out into the atmospheric vacuum. Things were about to get really hot really fast.








« Last Edit: October 04, 2016, 10:21:15 PM by Tayasaurus »

Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z28lwyQjuTY

Miles away a watchful eye observed the satellite and it's re-entry. The flaming titan would mostly burn up in the atmosphere save for a few items. Namely the stations black box. It was a ground crew that caused the station to re-enter the atmosphere, using a signal that hijacked the on-board computer's main functions. The watchful eye confirmed the trajectory of the surviving pieces and disengaged from the show, eager to file a report. SCOPE, turned around and packed up his signal equipment, folding a little satellite dish and hefty computer into it's black armored casing. SCOPE quickly made his way down the hill back into the thick woods where the others were camped. A robot and two human soldiers waited patiently as SCOPE made his way towards them.

SCOPE stopped before the robot and gave a salute.

"Commander MAXX, the signal was a success. The Satellite has entered Re-entry and i was able to triangulate where most of the debris will land." SCOPE said with little emotion.

MAXX was a very large robot, standing almost 8 feet tall and dwarfing the human soldiers by his side. His markings and stature commanded an air of lethal authority by design, which was also reflected by the faded lettering along his upper arm. 'Tactician Model No. 3'. His expressionless face turning towards SCOPE in such a jerk motion that it made it seem that he was distracted and didn't see him approaching. SCOPE took notice to this.

"Is something wrong Commander?"

MAXX looked back to where he was turned and then turned back to SCOPE.

"Nothing. Well done, the signal worked as hoped." he said, pleased.

MAXX motioned to the two guards posted nearby. They both nodded and went further into the woods entering a tent. A commotion could be heard as the guards exited the tent dragging an alien by its arms out into the open. They threw the creature to MAXX's feet and kept their rifles trained on him.

MAXX's voice took a gloating tone as he spoke to the shaking creature before him.

"Congratulations Doctor...?"

The alien which resembled an evolved crustacean opened its mouth

"I uh... Doctor Izz Izzy" he said nervously.

MAXX let out a metallic chuckle. It wasn't a pleasant one that could be laughed along with, nor did it feel very natural at all. The human soldiers could be seen shuddering in the background at the sound.

"You know what Dr. Izzy? As a robot I find that name very funny. I just want to say congratulations, the device worked. You've furthered the human cause! There's hope for your species yet."

The alien looked relieved and stuttered out a response.

"T-thank you!"

MAXX's visor glowed red.

"Except for you. You didn't think I would notice the little hidden line of code during your works overview. You tried to piggyback a broadcast outside the planet to call for help. Noble, but untrustworthy for my purposes. I took the liberty of removing it before giving it to SCOPE."

MAXX's guards dragged a heavy gun to him grunting the whole way. It's massive barrel indicated it's painful caliber and it's polished chrome body glittered in the moonlight. It was so big it had to be arm mounted, which he quickly latched down to his forearm. MAXX tilted his head.

"I find chrome to be a little ostentatious. I really don't look forward to this."


(Good lord look at how bad the foreshortening is on this thing. I should shoot the illustrator.)

MAXX wasted no time aiming the cannon at poor Dr. Izzy and pulled the trigger. Izzy's shrill scream was drowned out by the explosive noise as blue blood painted the trees in an almost artistic way. All that remained of Izzy was his lower legs, which twitched in a squirming motion, trying to gain traction.

"They always twitch. Why is it the ones that resemble bugs the most, always twitch." MAXX said to himself in a disgusted tone.

« Last Edit: October 04, 2016, 10:21:49 PM by Tayasaurus »


The descent to the planet surface wasn't smooth as expected. MATT kept his legs against the container wall to give him leverage over the door, which desperately wanted to tear away from the container. MATT could detect the temperature of the capsule heating up but unable to reach temperatures to vaporize it. Anything that wasn't nailed down rattled around the cabin, causing blunt damage to things they hit. A tool pierced into MATT's side, ruptering several coolant lines necessary to keep him from overheating during operations. The interior began to get noticeably hotter as a result.

The drama inside the container was short lived as it made impact with a large lake, making the capsule skip across the surface for a few moments before crashing violently onto the shore. The container gracelessly rolled several hundred feet before wrecking into a tree, hitting it so hard that the great plant split in its center and toppled over. Silence quickly overtook the environment once again as quickly as the disaster had ended. It was even as if the natural ambience of the forest was in shock and taking a moment to let what happen sink in.

Luckily for MATT he was a very durable machine, despite the success of the tool penetrating a vital system. MATT let his grip of the door loosen as he looked down to check the condition of the station's black box. It didn't have a scratch on it, despite the rest of everything that was inside looking like a scratched up horror-show. If MATT could sigh, he would have done it then and there. He took notice of his arm that had kept the door shut, it was hanging by a bundle of wires and steel cable that went up to his shoulder and hung loosely by his side. The force of the event almost ripped his arm off, but thankfully his arm still functioned to a minor degree. Using his good arm he grabbed the repair kit from his beat up charging station and punched the pod door off completely. He hoisted himself up over the lip and fell to the ground on his feet with a loud thud. He took in his surroundings and begins to scan.


« Last Edit: September 27, 2016, 10:37:09 PM by Tayasaurus »


a little late but
This story is no longer going to be interactive, it just wouldn't work like it use to. It's an entire reboot
wouldn't this fit better in creativity then instead of forum games?