Author Topic: Post jokes! (Read 3775 times)

Loz · July 06, 2008, 09:42:49 PM

Ok post a joke.

Quote

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

"How much for some pusillanimous individual?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pusillanimous individual."

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Vertzer · July 06, 2008, 09:52:58 PM

Har. Not that funny.
Here's one that I heard:

Quote

Three men, one of them being Mexican. and a women are sitting at a table.

The women says: "Whoever can use the word 'liver' and 'cheese' the best in a sentence will get to go out with me"

One of the other men reply with: "I like liver and cheese"

The other one says: "I enjoy eating liver and cheese"

And the Mexican, having a strong accent replies with: "Liv-her alone, cheese a man"

It's funnier when told in person and someone is actually able to talk with the accent.

CityOrian · July 06, 2008, 10:13:25 PM

Quote from: Vertzer on July 06, 2008, 09:52:58 PM

Har. Not that funny.
Here's one that I heard:

Quote
Three men, one of them being Mexican. and a women are sitting at a table.

The women says: "Whoever can use the word 'liver' and 'cheese' the best in a sentence will get to go out with me"

One of the other men reply with: "I like liver and cheese"

The other one says: "I enjoy eating liver and cheese"

And the Mexican, having a strong accent replies with: "Liv-her alone, cheese a man"

It's funnier when told in person and someone is actually able to talk with the accent.

blocker · July 07, 2008, 03:11:16 AM

knock knock

whos there?

andrew

andrew who?

andrew gonna clean your room?

chaseyqurt · July 07, 2008, 03:19:04 AM

Quote from: blocker on July 07, 2008, 03:11:16 AM

knock knock

whos there?

andrew

andrew who?

andrew gonna clean your room?

nou

blocker · July 07, 2008, 04:12:15 AM

another

knock knock

whos there?

ashely

ashely who?

ashely ur were the worst man ever!

Pacman XD

Tonce · July 07, 2008, 07:46:38 AM

Quote

Judi, a natural blonde, went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

� I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage, but when he asked what had happened, he got the following reply.

� I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan.

Space Trooper · July 07, 2008, 08:45:56 AM

Two guys are out walking their dogs, one with a chiwawa and one with a pomeranian, when they see a resteraunt. Both are feeling very hungry, and decide to give it a try. Then they notice a sign in the window that says "No pets allowed." One man says "Aww man. What are we gonna do?" The next man says "Just follow my lead." and he puts on a pair of sunglasses. He approaches the door, when the owner says "Sorry sir, no pets allowed." The man says "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog." "A pomeranian?" the owner asks. "Yes" the man replies.
"Ok, go on in" the owner says. The second man puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks up to the owner. The owner says "sorry sir, no pets allowed." "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog." The man says. "a chiwawa?" the owner says. And the man replies "A CHIWAWA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIWAWA!?!?!?!"

Muzzles56 · July 07, 2008, 08:48:43 AM

Lol'd

Cogizio · July 07, 2008, 09:24:39 AM

[Insert beginning of a serious story here]
[Insert middle of a serious story here]
[Insert misunderstanding to create comedic background here]
[Expand on comedic misunderstanding]
[Finish off story with a huge misunderstanding involving something loveual]
[Insert your laughs here]

Jaymz · July 07, 2008, 09:54:19 AM

A man dies and goes to hell, he is given 3 choices of punishment that he will endure for all eternity. Behind the first door is a room filled with people standing on there heads on a concrete floor. The Man says "No way! Lets look at the next room" Behind the second door is a room filled with people standing on there heads on a hard wood floor. "a bit better then the last room, whats behind the third door?" Satan opens up the last door. In the room there is people standing knee deep in cow manure drinking coffee. "this isn't so bad. I choose these room." says the man. "Alright, let me get you a cup of coffee." replies satan. The man is spends about 5 minutes in the room drinking coffee until Satan returns and says "Alright coffee breaks over. Back on your heads!"

CapTMeaT · July 07, 2008, 10:38:26 AM

Quote from: Cogizio on July 07, 2008, 09:24:39 AM

[Insert beginning of a serious story here]
[Insert middle of a serious story here]
[Insert misunderstanding to create comedic background here]
[Expand on comedic misunderstanding]
[Finish off story with a huge misunderstanding involving something loveual]
[Insert your laughs here]

Best one yet.

-Koden- · July 07, 2008, 11:21:25 AM

Quote from: Jaymz on July 07, 2008, 09:54:19 AM

A man dies and goes to hell, he is given 3 choices of punishment that he will endure for all eternity. Behind the first door is a room filled with people standing on there heads on a concrete floor. The Man says "No way! Lets look at the next room" Behind the second door is a room filled with people standing on there heads on a hard wood floor. "a bit better then the last room, whats behind the third door?" Satan opens up the last door. In the room there is people standing knee deep in cow manure drinking coffee. "this isn't so bad. I choose these room." says the man. "Alright, let me get you a cup of coffee." replies satan. The man is spends about 5 minutes in the room drinking coffee until Satan returns and says "Alright coffee breaks over. Back on your heads!"

Hahaha

|Shadow · July 07, 2008, 11:58:07 AM

Quote from: blocker on July 07, 2008, 04:12:15 AM

another

knock knock

whos there?

ashely

ashely who?

ashely ur were the worst man ever!

Pacman XD

nou

Hollywood · July 07, 2008, 12:56:36 PM

ITT: Terrible jokes.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.