Author Topic: Stories (Read 6263 times)

This is an improvisation MrBob00 and I had while on Zebra Man's server

(setting: the local community neighborhood. event: two people of undisclosed identity are having an argument)

Person 1: you don't know that for sure.
Person 2: I do know, I know all. I am God.
Person 1: Who am I then?
God: Lol, you're Jesus.
Jesus: Darnit father, you really do know. Now can we go outside and can you teach me to catch with that baseball glove you bought me.
God: That’s no glove son. That’s what we like to call a “love glove”…
Jesus: How’s it different from baseball glove
God: It’s very different son. I’ll tell you about it when you’re older, or you’ll learn about it in school.
Jesus: Can’t you tell me now pa?
God: No son, that’s what school and prostitutes are for; telling you about these things.
Jesus: What are prostitutes pa?
God: You pay people money to… never mind.
Jesus: Can you take me to one so I can ask it?
God: Ermmm…. Ask your mother son.
Jesus: Is she a prostitute?
God: well, that’s how we met, but no.
Jesus: But how would she know then? Is she school?
God: That’s how we met, but no, she is not.
Jesus: So if she’s not a prostitute and neither is she school, then how would she be able to explain what a lover’s glove is for?
God: it’s a love glove, not a lover’s glove.
Jesus: Gee wiz pa I’m confused.
God: parents are for that too.
Jesus: That? Do you mean she can give me a love glove? Can she also teach me how to use it pa?
God: Sure, now BE OFF! Father’s very busy ignoring peoples’ prayers!
Jesus: Mom! Dad says you can show me how to use a love glove.
Mom: A what?
Jesus: A love glove.
Mom: Oh…Err… That’s what school and prostitutes are for.
Jesus: That’s what he said. He also said that those two things factored into how you two met.
Mom: Err…THATWASALONGTIMEAGONOWBEOFFIAMVERYBUSYBEINGINSIGNIFIGANT
Jesus: Ah okay, but mom; before I go?
Mom: What?
Jesus: Can you, can you make me a sandvich?
Mom: *Mutters under breath* (little loveist…) sure dear.
Jesus: Dad says that that was all that you were good for, that and hiding the booze in obvious places which dad always pretends not to discover so that he can be sure it will be there the next time.
Mom: *Gets a shotgun, runs into the room where God is sitting* I’M GOING TO CRUCIFY YOU!!! *Headshots God*.
Jesus: Mom, what about my sandwich?
Mom: *Nails Jesus to a cross* bye-bye <obscene swearing> *headshots Jesus before shotgun mouth-washing herself*.
Jesus: Aw mom, now I have to wait three days before I can go back to school, you know how embarrassing fatal wounds are. Mainly because everyone gawks at you or assumes you’re making the whole thing up so you have to wait several day, preferably long than two because otherwise nobody realizes you’ve died, and so when you return everybody is like, “It’s a miracle!” and they write stories about your life and <endless babbling>.
Mom, I still haven’t gotten my sandwich!
Mom: *Tries to kill Jesus but is stopped by God*.
God: Don’t honey!
Mom: I’ll do whatever I want, besides, he’s an annoying <more obscene swearing>.
God: True honey, but he’s the only one we have.
Jesus: *is carried away by his followers*
Mom: NO, SO CLOSE!!!
The end…

Dad: What did you think of the story junior?
Junior: I still want to know what a love glove is for.
Dad: Well…
The end.

MrBob00 played the parts of God (person 2), Mom, and Dad.
I played the parts of Jesus and Junior.

Pimpin · May 26, 2009, 11:30:18 PM

this is a poem. it was in the book 'the perks of being a wallflower'. i do not know the author of the poem. i think it was made up for the book. the main character of the book stumbles upon the poem and does not know the author of it, i assume it to be the book's author.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Netwars4 · May 27, 2009, 12:15:54 AM

When two people love each other very much...

Zaem · May 27, 2009, 06:30:44 PM

Quote from: entrepreneur in on May 26, 2009, 11:30:18 PM

He wrote a poem
And he called it "The Hokey Pokey"
that's what it's all about