Here's a few I thought were funny.
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"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!"
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.' "
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. "
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