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Good?

Yes, very!
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Yes.
4 (21.1%)
It was okay.
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Add more, please.
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Add more before I loving kill you.
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Total Members Voted: 19

Author Topic: Short Prologue - Extended  (Read 2049 times)

About - I like to write, but nobody really knows it. I also love to type and to make speeches (which nobody knows either). I sat in advisory one day at school and just started writing. My friend Katelyn took my notebook and read it, she said it was really good. I'm just wondering what you think. I just wrote a couple paragraphs; I plan to add on when I feel I have the time.



NYC, Modern Day

    The speedometer began to climb from zero to a hundred. If he wanted to, he knew he could make that little glowing bar rocket to the end of its course. He has before, but with that came a huge risk; last time he attempted it, he almost blew his engine at the cost of his car. Luckily, he coasted across the make shift finish line, winning the prize.
     But that was then.
     And this is now.
     He tried to focus on the narrow, uncurving and unforgiving streets in front of him. There was a lot of traffic tonight which made the race tough but all worth while. The light white glow of the buildings on his left and right flew past him in a vague blur. The streets were slick and shiny from a light but steady rain earlier that day. He tried not to think about what would happen if his tires were to lose traction and he were to go skidding into a taxi, or a bus. That would not be a good way to end to day. Or his life.
     He had gained on his opponent and passed him quite a few blocks ago; he had raced as if there was a tsunami chasing him, and if he slowed down, it would consume him along with the streets. He wasn't racing a tsunami, but just a stock 1997 Toyota Supra. Simple enough.
     He flew by his opponent like a bad out of hell. It had been a few minutes since then, he decided to sneak a quick look in his rear view mirror.
     He couldn't see the pale blew headlights anywhere; he soon became lost within his own arrogance and the thought of the prize. How nice it would feel against his palm to clutch the enormous stack of hundred dollar bills. He could think of nothing but it. But for now, his palm braced nothing but the clutch of his car.
     His head came back down from the clouds. He glanced down at his car's control center; he was going way faster than he needed to. He looked back up in front of his car and instinctively stomped down on the brake pedal, but he knew it wouldn't do much good. He knew what was about to happen would effect his life and the rest of his career.
     The sudden sound of harsh twisting and grinding metal against the tarmac and other metal filled the entire block. Spectators and pedestrians covered their ears and looked towards the source.
     All the windows in both cars were instantly shattered as the car slammed into the rear end of the taxi. The poor, helpless racer was showered with razor sharp shards of glass, piercing his skin like needles. He rocketed out of his seat through the place where his windshield used to be, right into the back of the taxi in front of him. It seemed to be over for a second and silence overcame the block.
     Bursting through the silence came the deep, monotonous sound of a horn coming from a city bus. It seemed an eternity, as the drivers of both vehicles laid there, barely conscious. The bus had made impact, and a hard one at that. The front end had been aligned with the tires. More glass came over the men as they laid there hopelessly.
     The bus hopped the taxi and moved it half way down the block. The bus rode on top of the taxi as if it were a sled, leaving a shower of sparks behind.
     It all eventually came to a stop.
     The man's last feeling was pure terror, as he thought to himself guiltily, "Why... did I run..."


Two Years Later
Sullivan Valley Hospital


     The faint beeping sound began. It slowly grew louder. The man couldn't tell where it was coming from; there was complete, perpetual blackness. He could see nothing, hear nothing, except the beeping sound. It cut through the still silence like a knife. It never stopped, going on for as long as the cold, dark blackness did. He noticed the beats of his heart kept in tune with the high pitched noise. Both pulsing at the same rate. Simultaneously.
     He began to wonder where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. He filed through his mind to attempt to remember something that could tip him off to his present setting.
     His memory recalled nothing.
     The man slowly began to move around. The surface he laid upon felt cold and hollow. He felt around for a hint as to what it could be, but for a second time, his brain hadn't a clue.
     He slowly tried to open his eyes. His eyelids became looser and loose; he began to see a bright light. The further he opened them, the brighter it got, and the closer it felt. It became brighter and brighter until he could stand it no more; it was blinding him. It made his surroundings seem surreal.
     Someone was coming towards him. He could hear it. He could feel it.
     "Are you awake, Mr. Romney? Do you know where you are?"
     He tried to yell for help, but all that could come out was a long series of inaudible mumbles.[/b]
« Last Edit: October 19, 2009, 08:33:03 PM by Caution »


Nice, you can picture the story.


You should write more, it's kinda a cliffhanger ending--and a great one at that.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2009, 06:37:31 PM by WhatevaGuy »

You should right more, it's kinda a cliffhanger ending--and a great one at that.

I planned on it. I started to but forgot my notebook at school. I'll probably add more tonight.

I planned on it. I started to but forgot my notebook at school. I'll probably add more tonight.

Oh fun.

You know, approval from a friend is one thing, but approval from people you don't even know?
That means it's really good.

It's ok. A few typos here and there, a few stylistic errors.

All in all though, there really is no plot. I wouldn't call this a short story. I'd call it a short segment.

It's ok. A few typos here and there, a few stylistic errors.

All in all though, there really is no plot. I wouldn't call this a short story. I'd call it a short segment.

It's more of a prologue, I should say. I was going to add on to it eventually.

This is very well written. You should continue it.

General tip for the whole piece: don't put all your trust in spelling checkers. While there are no spelling errors, there are several typos and awkwardly worded sentences throughout the writing.


The speedometer began to climb from zero to a hundred. If he wanted to, he knew he could make that little glowing bar rocket to the end of its course. He has before, but with that came a huge risk; last time he attempted it, he almost blew his engine at the cost of his car. Luckily, he coasted across the make shift finish line, winning the prize.
One hundred would be more appropriate than a hundred. Alternatively, rewrite the sentence to flow more smoothly. The following sentences are difficult to read and over-descriptive. You are forcing imagery by referring to the speedometer as a "little glowing bar [rocketing] to the end of its course." Blowing your engine results in the loss of your car? Really now?

But that was then.
     And this is now.
Cliche, unnecessary, and confuses the reader about the meaning of the first paragraph and the time at which it occurred. Make this transition in the story more precise and interesting.

He tried to focus on the narrow, uncurving and unforgiving streets in front of him. There was a lot of traffic tonight which made the race tough but all worth while. The light white glow of the buildings on his left and right flew past him in a vague blur. The streets were slick and shiny from a light but steady rain earlier that day. He tried not to think about what would happen if his tires were to lose traction and he were to go skidding into a taxi, or a bus. That would not be a good way to end to day. Or his life.
First and second sentences are boring and awkward to read. The sentence in boldface is decent, but perhaps you should rewrite it as, "The pale white glow of the buildings surrounding him became a vague blur as he flew past." Actually, if you want to increase the effectiveness of your imagery try rewriting a lot of this in the present tense. It is supposed to be a race; try to write short descriptive bursts that convey the urgency and extremeness of the situation. There is some pretty lame foreshadowing at the end of this paragraph. It seems awkward during the initial reading, and painful after you finish the story and realize the significance of why you mentioned a taxi and bus. The last couple of sentences just sound cheesy.

He flew by his opponent like a bad out of hell.
Did you mean a bat out of hell?

I have to go so I can't finish my "expert" critique of your story right now.

-snip-

Errr, thanks. I appreciate the criticism, but none of that is something I'll remember. I added more at school but apparently it wasn't that great so I won't post it.

I dislike the tsunami thing, similes only works when they flow and make sense. It's a good comparison but it seems akward.

I dislike the tsunami thing, similes only works when they flow and make sense. It's a good comparison but it seems akward.

Yeah, I agree, it did become a bit weird...