Author Topic: Short Story - Memories  (Read 2007 times)

Well, I decided to write a story that I thought up last night while I was trying to go to sleep. At first I'd imagined it as being a build, but that sounded like a lot of work. Then I decided that it would make a nice story. Well, here it is!

  You rise slowly from the soft fog of sleep. Through closed eyes you see that the light is flickering, wherever you are. As you mentally search for an answer, your past is shrouded in mist; the fragmented memories you find are incomprehensible, blood and screams. You shudder slightly. You open your eyes and then squint in the light.
    As you cautiously look around, you are surprised by your surroundings. The small room you are in, though clean, is somewhat broken-looking. Half a mirror hangs on the wall, the other half lying broken on the floor. Similarly, the toilet has cracked off the wall and now lies on the floor. The sink, however, is merely chipped. You slowly sit up, head throbbing slightly. As you reach upwards to rub your head, your fingers encounter a bandage wound haphazardly around your head. You wonder, What is going on here?
    Swinging your legs off the bed, you shakily stand up, noting a few half-healed scratches on your forearms and legs, further deepening your confusion. After finding your balance, you walk over to the mirror. Your reflection is shocking; blood encrusts the bandage on your head and numerous small cuts dot your cheeks. Your hair is long and matted, your clothes ragged and stained.
    You turn toward the door. The access panel that should open the door has its glass cracked, but appears to be functional. You press it, and the door slowly slides half-open. It stops there and vibrates slightly. You quickly squeeze through the door. A few seconds later, it closes. The access panel on this side is completely smashed. Well, better go on ahead, then...
    The room you were in is at the end of a hallway. The lights overhead are either broken or flickering. Doors run along one side of the hall. As you cautiously advance toward the other end of the hallway, you look upward. Part of the ceiling has been ripped off, revealing weakly sparking wires. Dust and dirt line the sides of the hallway, much more so than in your room. As you reach the end of the hallway, you cautiously peek around the corner.
    You emerge into a large-ish room. As you survey the broken mess it is now, you remember a brief flash of the past: scientists hurriedly conducting experiments, the brightly-lit room filled with tables, covered in laboratory equipment. A happy bustle fills the room. But in a second, the past is swept away, to reveal the stark present: tables broken or overturned, equipment on the ground, smashed beyond repair, lights either burned out or dimly flickering. An inexplicable anguish draws a tear out from your eye. What did this?
    As you move toward the exit door, you see that the wall has been torn open. Past the broken pipes and circuitry, you see stone. So this place is underground. Walking through the exit door from the lab, you notice that the place is looking more and more wrecked as you go on.
    The lab exits into another hallway, this one very grimy. Unsettlingly, some of the walls are stained reddish-black. Don't think about what it could be... definitely not blood. Oh, snap. That was counterproductive.
    Finding the only door in the hallway that had a working access panel, you open the door. Inside it looks like it was a hangar at one point, but now one wall is blasted open to reveal the outside landscape.
    Outside, dust storms rage, scouring the land. Nothing green is visible, the trees bare and the ground bare dirt. A muddy yellow river sluggishly winds through the area. As disjointed memories rush back, you struggle to understand what has happened. You remember green, leafy trees and pale-colored flowers, a swift-rushing, clean river to dip your toes into. None of this matches up with your memories. A dusty wind rustles your hair as you sink to your knees, overwhelmed with the harsh reality of the world.


You can see more short stories by me here and here. And here.

Feel free to give constructive criticism.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2009, 12:48:11 PM by Mags »

Pretty decent. I like.

Pretty decent. I like.

Thanks. I wasn't sure how the 2nd person point of view and the present tense would work. But I like it too :3

My Lit teacher urges strongly against using 2nd person narrative. Perhaps it was just in formal, and not creative, writing. But 'you' implies that I have done this personally.

My Lit teacher urges strongly against using 2nd person narrative. Perhaps it was just in formal, and not creative, writing. But 'you' implies that I have done this personally.

Yeah, I got that too. But 1st person implies someone telling you of their experiences, and 3rd implies that you are watching from outside. I wanted the "camera" to be inside.

Yeah, I got that too. But 1st person implies someone telling you of their experiences, and 3rd implies that you are watching from outside. I wanted the "camera" to be inside.
I think that a first person narrative would work better for this story. It allows you to experience the story through the eyes of someone without personally being connected to the story. If everything is in the present tense then no matter what person you use, the story is on going. The only way someone could be telling you about their experience in the first person is if all the verbs are in past tense. (I walk across the room vs. I walked across the room).


I think that a first person narrative would work better for this story. It allows you to experience the story through the eyes of someone without personally being connected to the story. If everything is in the present tense then no matter what person you use, the story is on going. The only way someone could be telling you about their experience in the first person is if all the verbs are in past tense. (I walk across the room vs. I walked across the room).
I tried the first couple of paragraphs in 1st person, but I didn't like it. I don't know exactly what it is that makes me like this, but... I do.

Pretty much what he said
Thanks :D

I like it.
And if you don't mind me asking, did you sound out 'Definitely Blue' or did you find sheet music?

I like it.
And if you don't mind me asking, did you sound out 'Definitely Blue' or did you find sheet music?

Sheet music. (Yess! Somebody actually mentioned a section of my site that I didn't specifically link to!)

Sheet music. (Yess! Somebody actually mentioned a section of my site that I didn't specifically link to!)

Did you buy it?  If not, mind linking me?  I liked the sound of it.

Did you buy it?  If not, mind linking me?  I liked the sound of it.

Um, it was on paper. I could take a picture of it later an give you the url...?

Um, it was on paper. I could take a picture of it later an give you the url...?

I'm guessing you either bought it or printed it from somewhere.

I'm guessing you either bought it or printed it from somewhere.

Actually my teacher photocopied it :\

Actually my teacher photocopied it :\

Oh.  Do you have a scanner?