i don't know why I do things like this
I build up anticipation to a point that the goal I await is so unreasonable that it will never happen. I get so excited that i don't know how to contain myself and my emotions spill out in all sorts of ways. The people around me think I'm crazy. At this point I don't even know if I'm crazy. Who knows? Maybe I am. My best friend thinks I may be paranoid, but I'm too scared to get an actual diagnosis.
It's come to the point where I have to reassure myself mentally every night before I go to bed that everything is going to be alright. I don't know if it will be alright. I don't know if everything will work out the way I want it to, and to be frank, it probably won't. And this terrifies me. It has been two years since the Junior year drama. In two months, it will be three. I am still coping with the stress that those people put me through.
Imagine you come home one day and your father tells you that your life is over. That all of your goals and dreams in life are now completely unattainable because of a single stupid decision. That was my life for three months, uncertainty wether I could stay at school, or live with my family, or do any of the things I wanted in life. I no longer trusted people. I still have trouble trusting people. I have nervous breakdowns at the slightest provocation. I don't know how to keep going because I've been living with this stuff for so long that I want it to stop and nobody can recognize that I want to put that part of my life behind me, but I can't tell them about it because if I do I will be judged for it. Ha, look. It's that paranoia kicking back in. I don't know how they'd react. I've been squirrelly enough for the past month, adding another brick on to the stack would make me feel like an attention whore. But it's not that. For the first time in a long time, I have people I almost feel like I can trust with my feelings. I've told them bits and pieces about my life but the truth is I don't know if they're ready (hell, I don't even know if I'M ready) to tell them everything about me.
I cope with these feelings by posting here. I know that very few of you will ever find these posts, and perhaps the select few who do won't even know me. Even as I post here I can feel tears building up. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. I have slowly been picking up more and more baggage as the years have gone by. No matter what, I've never had a chance to unload it onto anyone. Actually, I've probably had plenty of chances. I've just chosen to overlook them in my paranoia and fear. Why the forget should I trust anyone with my feelings when the last time I did, I was damn near thrown in prison and torn from everything I love and cherish? There's only one person I've opened up to in the way that I have, and I fear that that heartfelt dissemination of my emotions may have scared them away.
Or at least, I think they did. I don't know. Everytime I ask to hang out it's answered with a no and a suitable excuse. I can take a hint, but I keep hearing that they're actual reasons and not half-baked excuses for why they're avoiding me. I try not to think about it because it'll probably make things worse. I've found that a lot of the stress I've been dealing with as of late is related to this person. I almost feel ashamed to be around them, but they know so much about me that I can't afford to burn this bridge. All I want at this point is to be a god damn friend, and I feel like for some reason that is too much to ask.
Everything is so cold. The chest pains are still there. Nothing helps, and everything just makes things worse. There's no escape from this.
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