Author Topic: Near Death - A book I'm writing. (UPDATE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN)  (Read 10633 times)

NEAR
DEATH


Chapter 1:
Deja Vu



     There I lay, deadly still, the crack of thunder piercing the air.  Unknown to me, my parents were lying critically injured in the road and my brother had been murdered by something unseen, but it was probably best for me not to know.  Only my sister and I were left relatively unharmed.  I did have a few scrapes that could have easily been fixed by a doctor with some alcohol, and a few bandages, though.
     I recovered enough to open an eye. That's when I noticed my mother screaming in agony, blood running down her face. She looked to be in so much pain, suffering.  I glanced to her left.  My father, significantly more fit was also in a stupor as he was sitting next to a guard rail with an arm severed at the elbow.
My sister called my name and I snapped back into reality.  I realized how much pain they were in, I hadn't realized before because I was in so much shock.
"Mom!? Dad, are you okay?!"  I yelped in a low tone.  
     My sister and I were knocked off our feet by a nearby explosion that suddenly rang out, our senses foggy and our minds lost, and saw debris flying straight towards us.  We sought refuge under a nearby bridge.  I took off in a sprint, and out of my peripheral vision I noticed my sister not too far behind.    
    We felt like we were in sanctuary until its cement walls and concrete ceiling started collapsing behind us as we ran.  We ran all the way home, panting and gasping for the sweet feeling of oxygen.
      As we were coming up to the house I realized that we couldn't just leave our parents dying on the road.  We had to go back.  I understood it meant we would die, but I loved my parents in a way that would be considered peculiar to most individuals.  Through thick and thin, I knew that they were always there for me;  Getting in trouble and being minimally punished was a common occurrence.
  "Hannah," I called to my sister when this occurred to me.  "We left mom and dad back there!  We must check if they're okay!"  She replied, "They must've died from the explosion, it's not worth the time."
"They've always been there for us, we need to save their lives, even if it costs us our lives!"
"No, they're dead, face the facts, Mars."
"We have to go, I'm older, so I'm in charge here, that means you listen to me.  What do you plan on doing here alone, anyways?"
She sat still for several moments weighing the situation like a judge contemplating awarding freedom or condemning them to eternity.
"Fine." Came a weak whisper from her parched lips.
   As we approached the place of so much pain and suffering, we were only met with more anguish and defeat, as our parents had moved on to something greater than life itself.  We dug around for a while and gave up when we couldn't find anything of sentimental value to us.
"What the heck happened here, anyways?" Hannah asked me as if I had an answer.
"I don't know, Hannah.  I don't want to know at this point.  But whatever it was couldn't be natural."
   I suddenly seized up and fell over.  The last thing I remember seeing was the cross on a nearby church, which was bent in half, almost as if it was bowing in an act of redemption.
   But I opened my eyes as the sound of my alarm awoke me.  I was covered in sweat from head to toe, and tears welled up in my eyes.  The whole ordeal never happened and was a reoccurring dream I'd been having for months.  At this point I felt as if I was being enlightened about future events, which scared me more than anything.  What could those events mean?  Was I just going mad?
"Mars!"  My mother called for me to come downstairs.  "Breakfast is ready!"
     My name was from a god that my Roman ancestors worshiped.  These people were great warriors of their time, and believed these gods controlled all life.  My parents must not have liked any names in the baby book.  Surprisingly enough, though, my family has been Christian for centuries, minus my sister, who was caught in the teen drift.
     I came downstairs to find a piece of buttered bread on the table.
"Really?  Those 'strong kids' you talk about don't eat bread for breakfast." I complained.  My mother gave me 'the look', and responded with her regular shenanigans, "You should appreciate what you have and not complain about it.  Someone in Africa would die right now for that bread!"  
     I couldn't argue with her because she was completely and utterly right on every point.  I ate the bread.  

     Afterwards, I got up to put on my suit and tie, because today was the day I graduate from high school.  I had lived through four years of the pains and sufferings of 2,000 peoples' lives in this melting pot of emotions.  I hopped into my mother's car which was lent to me for the day.  My mind wandered; I thought about that dream.  I suddenly heard repeated honking and came to only to find myself lost again...
     My senses went foggy, I was fainting, this was natural for me, but before I went down, I felt a jerk and a crash.
     I awoke back in my car, sweating from the heat of the electricity from the power line I had hit, I felt very "out of it" and in a trance-like state.  My senses came back to me and I realized what had happened, or at least half of it.  I felt a rumbling, it felt like an earthquake.  I heard the loud rumbling noise again and jerked my head sideways.
     A raging swarm of giant, blood red dragons were heading straight for me.  I ended up having to open my door and run.  I ran through a forest, panting as I went.  I found a Birch Tree, which was quite large, covered in sap, and had many branches to climb.  I climbed the tree and looked at them, they had spike covered backs, breathed fire, and sometimes ice, and were pretty large.
     My fatigue overcame me, and I slipped out of consciousness.  Right before I was unconscious, I noticed a peculiar detail, which was a man riding one of them.  I fell, and then everything went black.  I have asthma, so this was either an asthma attack or a heart attack from seeing this.  I wasn't quite used to seeing this kind of thing.
     I woke up at home.  I was in my bed, which had pools of blood on it.  My mom came in and gave me a piece of bread with butter.  Typical, I thought to myself.  I took the bread, in spite of my feelings.  I would do anything for food.
     I heard a loud, high pitched scream.  I recovered enough energy to get up, so I went downstairs, limping.  Nothing in there, so I went to see if it was nearby under the bridge next to my house.  Sure enough, it was.  My mom had crashed her car.  Blood was running down her face.
     Wait, this has happened before!  I thought to myself.  IN A DREAM!  I was quite surprised.  This had been a part of the reoccurring dream I had been having.  I found my dad, who's arm had been severed by a guard rail, I looked back at the car, and saw the door open.  I was unsure if I was in reality or just a dream.
      My dad told me that I needed to bury him next to my mom.  That's when I saw some blood dripping out of a cut on his forehead.  
     I was knocked back by a strong force of which I did not know at this time.  Everything was happenening almost exactly like it did in the dream.  I recovered enough to open an eye.  I was scared, I didn't know what was going on.
     I heard my sister call my name.  Then the explosions came.  I was starting to wonder if someone was hypnotizing me to get me to tell them my dreams.  I honestly didn't know anything sufficient at this point.  Everything in the dream came true.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Rate x/10, please. :)

Genre:  Action/Comedy
Author: *name withheld*
Setting:  America
Time: Near future, 2040
Type of book: Fiction

inb4tl;dr
« Last Edit: May 25, 2012, 05:46:10 PM by comedy101experiments »

7/10

i almost had a boner


you're 11
and you made this?
PFTAHHAHA

you have a LOT of errors.
"let's at least check!"
"ledft"


what is it even about, anyway?


Also, this isnt even a book.

It ended too loving short. that was only a page and a half
you also made it a bit stuffty at the end.

Seriously
If this wasnt a dream, i would still be reading it IF it was published.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2012, 08:17:53 PM by Ayxrion »

you're 11
and you made this?
PFTAHHAHA

you have a LOT of errors.
"let's at least check!"
"ledft"


what is it even about, anyway?

Excuse me, but will you please highlight the errors in a quote?
Also, it's about almost dying but barely surviving.

Sorry, I messed up a bit.
Also, it's about almost dying but barely surviving.
then i make edit!

then i make edit!
lol it's not done, that's why it says "A book I'm WRITING", also, the "TO BE CONTINUED" is obvious.

lol it's not done, that's why it says "A book I'm WRITING", also, the "TO BE CONTINUED" is obvious.
you made it end too early.
Whats next? him sleeping in the morning have the same dream?
Atleast make the dream longer.
"chapter" 1 is just the beginning, middle, and end.

You, your sister, your parents all survived during this "accident"
and then "IT WAS JUST A DREAM :)" is the end.

Describe more about the accident.
and atleast, HOW did the accident occur?

i was pooping when i read this.


more descriptions is my suggestion but you have raw talent my friend

    All of a sudden, my sister and I heard an explosion.  We were knocked down and saw debris flying straight towards us.  More explosions came and we ran under a bridge, walls and ceiling collapsing behind us as we ran.  We ran all the way home.

For example add some show don't tells in here

"All of a sudden, the ground shook and the air split as a shockwave hit my sister and me. We were thrown back off our feet and our senses were thrown into a fog. Debris fell all around us as we snapped out of our stupor. I could see the fear in my sister's face. My instincts kicked in as I helped her up on unsteady legs and we ran for a bridge. The security of the bridge enveloped us and relief swept over us. But it was short lived. Terror once again clasped its cold hand around us as the concrete walls began to collapse."

This is just some stuff I pulled out of my ass but with some editing your writing could be exceptional. 6/10

Also, have a pre write, be sure you have the plot drawn out and don't just make it up as you go along.

So... you have one page.

Is it going to be a novel?

So, it's bad?
i don't know i was to much focused on the boner i had, let me reread it.

more descriptions is my suggestion but you have raw talent my friend

For example add some show don't tells in here

"All of a sudden, the ground shook and the air split as a shockwave hit my sister and me. We were thrown back off our feet and our senses were thrown into a fog. Debris fell all around us as we snapped out of our stupor. I could see the fear in my sister's face. My instincts kicked in as I helped her up on unsteady legs and we ran for a bridge. The security of the bridge enveloped us and relief swept over us. But it was short lived. Terror once again clasped its cold hand around us as the concrete walls began to collapse."

This is just some stuff I pulled out of my ass but with some editing your writing could be exceptional. 6/10

Also, have a pre write, be sure you have the plot drawn out and don't just make it up as you go along.
Thanks!  Can I use your little paragraph?
i don't know i was to much focused on the boner i had, let me reread it.
lol k.