The Comcast mechanic who came over to replace a bad wire "that was causing the complications" said that "sometimes it isn't steady, and it might just take a dip for a while".
I was like "oh, okay". And he fixed the wire. I played my game, yay, it worked and no lagging and I can finally watch youtube videos.
5 hours later, it started lagging again.
I swear on me mum they just "replaced the wire" and just put us on the exception list for "lol u suk u gut low internt" for a while so they wouldn't get a scream call.