i've taken antidepressants once, but will not again. they make me feel absolutely no emotions.
I must be one of the edgiest of edgelords, but that actually sounds kind of nice.
This is really something you should talk to a psychologist about. Seriously, just go do it. We kids at the forum here are unable to solve your problems.
If you're afraid of going to a psychologist because you're going to have to be super open about everything, don't worry. You mostly just have to answer simple or yes/no questions and eventually it gets to the main point.
Personally I would rather feel sad and hopeless to the point of crying in my room for 6 hours to feeling nothing at all.
Being a shell is not fun or better in any sense.
"sad" is a feeling as is "hopelessness". Not having your thinking muddled up by powerful emotions like excitement and anger sounds sweet.