Throw down your weapon and put your hands up, if you're able to.
Then do it while dreaming/sleeping
Joshua takes a nap and dreams of throwing down his weapon and surrendering to the police... Only for it to suddenly turn into a nightmare where the SWAT Team still shoots him dead before setting his corpse on fire and using it for some freaky special interest bullstuff.
after doing then just that, stuff yourself
no go on, do it, don't be a pusillanimous individual
Joshua wakes up from the nightmare resisting the command---
*TIME STOP WITH GREYSCALE EFFECT!*
The Stranger suddenly returns!
The Stranger: Now, now, Joshua. It's time you let them have their fun, rather than killing their fun. Stop resisting.Joshua's resistance to commands has been reset.
The Stranger retcons the stuff out of Joshua's abnormally high resistance to commands before rewriting reality itself!
Joshua catapults awake from his nightmare in a cold sweat(and no memory of the Stranger loving things up), while literally having the stuff retconned out of him. This is obviously embarrassing, and the smell is unbearable.
A guard passes by, recoils at the stench, and runs off to toss Joshua some toilet paper along with a new pair of pants and boxers before leaving.
Guard: Sweet Jesus. Another loving pansy who couldn't handle the pressure and soiled himself. I'd execute you on the spot if that was legal!
Ask for medical attention
Joshua: Wait! What about some medical attention for the beatings I've received?
Guard: Pussies don't deserve one!
And just like that, the Guard is gone.
regain strength and call out for vendos if there aren't any nearby guards
ask augmented horizons for help
Joshua: VendOS? Augmented Horizons? Help!
Prisoner: Shut up! We're trying to sleep here!
Prisoner 2: You're interrupting my meditation!
Prisoner 3: I'm trying to macgyver a bomb out of toilet paper, my own vomit, a toothpick, and a match here! Quiet!
The greentext guy(AKA Lead Researcher) fails to respond, and VendOS does not conveniently crash in through the roof. Speaking of which, where the hell is VendOS anyways? Joshua hasn't seen him since the whole "tripping balls" thing.
Attempt to summon a demon.
Joshua waves his arms around and tries to pull off some intricate dance moves in order to summon a random demon. It fails completely, due to Joshua's lack of knowledge with the supernatural. And the fact that the supernatural doesn't exist as far as Joshua knows.
begin punching out the walls
Time passes in the jail. Joshua prepares to punch out the walls when A bunch of cops suddenly enter the jail, dragging a vending machine behind them and Uncle Greyson, who has used a moustache to disguise his identity.
Cop 1: ...A philanthropist like you donating a expensive, cutting-edge vending machine to the police department? Out of nowhere? Thank you, sir!
Uncle Greyson: Don't mention it. Now, about that favor...
Cop 1: Oh, right. A fair interrogation of that guy without actually going to the interrogation room, or beating him to death and claiming it was a Self Delete. Bring him out!
Joshua is released from the jail cell and finds himself face-to-face with the cops.
Cop 1: What's your side of the story, boy?
Get Phoenix wright to be your lawyer
Joshua: I want Phoenix Wright as my lawyer!
Cop 2: Isn't he a videogame character?
Cop 1: You don't need a fictional character as a lawyer. You have Mr. Freedomson, also known as our generous benefactor, as a lawyer. Isn't that right, Freedomson?
Uncle Greyson: That's right, man! I ever tell you the story of how my parents gave me that name? Because they loving love AMERICA. They used to have a ranch full of Eagles until the damn Commies shot them all down back in '71. After the Eagles defending our mighty American Ranch of Freedom and Democracy died, my parents gave their lives to protect me. I had to run away crying while the Communists skinned my parents alive before roasting them in a fire!
Also ask for a way to tell your side of the story about the entire situation at the market.
Then do just that.
Joshua: Can I explain what really happened at the market?
Cop 1: Sure.
Joshua: I was just exercising my Second Amendment Rights and the ability to carry guns openly until I walked into the supermarket, which caused everyone to freak out. A random gangbanger started the whole incident by shooting at me, several people die in the crossfire, and one of the security guards has to shoot him. Someone else must have seen the gangbanger die, because minutes later the rest of his thug buddies came to the supermarket to kill us all. We had to defend ourselves from the gangsters, and I had to steal a gangster uniform just to survive! That's when you guys burst into the marketplace and beat me senseless!
Cop 1: The other witnesses interviewed have the same, consistent explanation as you do. With one exception. They blamed YOU for causing the incident.
Joshua: Me?
Cop 1: One of the security guards at the Market goes by the name Nameless McRedshirt. He says that the whole thing wouldn't have started if you brought a flare-shooting minigun into the market. Isn't a minigun overkill for self defense, anyways? Another witness was screaming that her little brother wouldn't have been caught in the crossfire and killed if you had never brought the minigun. The husband of one of the victims is now a single husband that has to lose his job and take care of three babies. McRedshirt's partner Frank Ruby is also currently on life support because the fires caused by that flare minigun caused the guns to suffer from an ammo cook-off, resulting in several stray bullets putting him into a coma. Another witness tried to commit Self Delete after losing the only friend she ever had in her miserable life.
Cop 1: There are quite a few survivors of the holocaust you created that would like to personally meet the man responsible. You're in deep stuff, boy. Get back in your prison cell.
Uncle Greyson: Hold on! It isn't his fault! My client suffers from crippling anxiety, paranoia, PTSD and Second Amendment Syndrome!
Cop 1: Second Amendment Syndrome?
Uncle Greyson: Yes! He was traumatized as a child when a bunch of Communist Burglars with guns broke into his house, murdered his entire family one by one, and then shot his beloved puppy right while he was cradling it in his arms! The PTSD and the psychological scarring for life gave him Second Amendment Syndrome! He's so paranoid of Communism and Burglars now that he has to carry a gun at all times, or else he'll start having Vietnam flashbacks to the night his entire family died and start hulking out, going on a massive, self-destructive rampage while hallucinating that everyone's a filthy Communist!
Cop 1: Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell us that, man?
Uncle Greyson: It's too painful for him to mention! Look at my client already! He's starting to break down a bit!
Joshua plays along with Uncle Greyson's ploy and lets a single tear roll down his face while shaking violently and staring at the floor.
Cop 1: <Comforting Joshua>You're gonna be okay, buddy! The Cold War is over! We've already won! The Soviet Union is deader than Disco! Someone give him a gun!
Cop 3: Does a taser qualify as a gun to your client, Mr. Freedomson?
Uncle Greyson: Yes!
Joshua is handed a taser.
Uncle Greyson: Privacy, please! Get out while I console him. And possibly prepare to sue your asses for the damages you've caused to MY client.
Cop 1: Okay. We're still not done yet, though. We've got a lot more to talk about.
The cops leave the room, leaving only Joshua, VendOS, and Uncle Greyson.
Joshua: Smooth one, Uncle G. Where'd you pick that skill up?
Uncle Greyson: I learned that one back in Oregon when I had to disguise as a philanthropic lawyer. Now let's get the hell out, quick. Take this Gas Mask to hide your identity.
Joshua: I still need to get my stuff back, though! Especially the new arms for VendOS!
It is 6:44 PM on Thursday, December 23. On January 1, Joshua will be released from MindHive. Assuming Augmented Horizons isn't lying.
Joshua is
HEAVILY WOUNDEDJoshua's InventoryYellow Snow x12
Gas Mask
Soccer Ball
Taser
VendOS's InventorySaltwater Bottle x666
$1000
Poisoned Soft Drink x20
Human Flesh x25
Poll
Topic: MindHive [Thread finished, now planning for Quest to Save Kompressor Redux] (Read 104565 times)