you are a police officer

[Pngu12970]

forget the bank robbery, bust down the guy's door and shoot him and the stereo, then go back to the bank.

[Ad Bot]

[Meth]

furiously start jacking off with the bagel
sit on your shotgun

[Conan]

(rng: 2, 1)

you suddenly feel a strong urge to masturbate, and since nobody is around nobody's gonna judge you
but you finished your bagel hours ago, and the only suitable method to masturbate is with a bagel. you remember the first time you did it back when you were a teenager, the feeling of tight warm bread around your schlong, how it felt like it was pushing all your seed out from the base up.

in fact you go back into the bagel shop and order a plain bagel just so you can.

the guy at the counter keeps looking at your shotgun, its not normal for police officers to carry around their shotgun like that

and he gags as go outside, tear off your pants, and stick the shotgun barrel up your ass while jacking off with the bagel

...

you hear the sirens come closer, so to destroy all evidence of this travesty you take out the shotgun and shoot the bagel guy in the face, then go back to pleasuring yourself

some pigeons land near you. the rap music is replaced with some heavy metal

[Drydess]

throw a bagel at the bagel guy

[Conan]

hes dead so you reenter the shop and throw it at his body on the ground

you're actually pretty bad at throwing so you miss

also you shoot out the radio on the wall cause you forgot to earlier. the heavy metal music is still going though cause that dudes a block over on like the 5th floor of an apartment complex and you're not really interested enough to run over there and destroy his stereo

you hear the sirens around the corner, you're standing in an empty bagel shop with a dead guy behind the counter, and your pants are down and your ass is obviously violated.

...you're sorta sure that there are weirder things out there. probably. this is pushing it though

[ReddBoi]

put your richard in your handgun

[Conan]

you boast a sizeable erect snake, actually, so you cant fit it in your handgun. you kinda just rub the tip with the muzzle of the gun to clean off the semen from earlier. maybe if you didnt jack off with the bagel it would have fit

you hear a couple police cars turn the corner, you figure the commissioner isnt far behind in a truck. they go park in the middle of the road in front of the bank and you hear the officers get out.

nobody has spotted you yet, but its hardly like you could care right now

[Conan]

a couple more police cars have pulled in. you hear someone walking towards your car.

just so you know you're parked right outside the bagel shop so they're probably gonna see you. not like you can really explain yourself leaving a bagel shop with a dead guy with a cum covered bagel while holding a shotgun covered with stuff

[cromartini]

Walk out with the shotgun in your hands and your pants down, and yell IM forgetIN INVINCIBLE

[Conan]

you walk out, pants still down and stuff-shotgun in hands, and the cop you heard (you dont recognize him) almost trips in surprise as he spots you. the look on his face is a mix of disgust, shock, and confusion, and behind him at the corner you see the police cordon around the bank entrance.

A few spot you from the distance and freeze for a second when you yell "IM loving INVINCIBLE". the cop near you reaches for his gun but doesnt pull it out quite yet, you're still dressed like a police officer from the waist up.

if it werent for that he'd probably have assumed you were crazy and have told you to stand down by now.

well, hes probably starting to think you are anyways. you're pretty sure you're not.

[Potatoh]

suffocate cop with bagel

[Conan]

you run back inside to grab the semen covered bagel, and immediately you can hear a couple more cops coming over. you jump over the counter and land next to the dead bagelman and pick up the bagel.

as you get up from behind the counter, the cop that you spooked yells at you to drop your weapon (you're still holding onto your shotgun with your left hand). you ignore the soon-to-be-dead man and tackle him. you proceed to stuff your creamed bagel down his throat.

since he was standing outside though, one cop dispatched to back him up draw his gun while the other takes out his tazer.

they're probably gonna open fire in a sec and this dude you're choking to death refuses to die easily. he's trying to kick you off but you got him pinned down with your shotgun.

[torin²]

die

[Conan]

you continue to choke the poor man, then get up and lift your shotgun and shoot him in the face. even with nonlethal rounds he'd have died, face and brains blown to bits. it doesnt faze you though as youve seen worse stuff on reddit

you the immediately get tazed and shot and as you pass out you wonder if this is it

then realize as its not cause you wake up with the arousing taste of cream cheese on toasted wheat bagel in your mouth and tom sleeping beside you.

...

not in bed, in the police car. its morning as usual.

[Cheze]

tell tom to wake up