to be honest? i don't know.
i'm not sure about myself about any year i've experienced whether most of the people say it's horrible or it's good. because i do consider myself an optmist, but yet, i have to be realistic at some point not only to what i've observed, felt, and how much i put work into what i have to do and what i love doing. i really can't quite put a summarized opinion in other words to just about any year i've been through because all of the years have been genuinely far too great aside from world problems and stress. it's no doubt i've been through a lot of myself.
i feel that 2017 was a figurative conclusion or a message that i have an ability to get myself off of my feet and grow up stabilizing yourself and your relationships, as well as learning a thousand things and keeping some of the important ones that catch my eye the most. back then, i barely had a mature personality so to say, and i feel wherever i walk the mistakes i do or that i once did would haunt me, and it will be a cycle that it will only worsen my insecurity, my attitude towards others, and my own presence in general. few years ago, i don't know how to describe myself back then, was i troubled? was i just angry and too blunt to see more than just a black and white reality? i don't know.
but i know i kept questioning myself and what i've been given my entire life, whether it was lip from my parents, being called out, seeing and doing things that carry opportunity to have it assimilate to my hobby, my personality, or just my everyday routine. to be honest, i feel that i deserved it, and if i didn't get the stressful, dramatic, and depressing moments in my life, i'm not going to experience true adversity to learn mistakes and lessons from. i feel sorry for even opening my mouth, or for even pulling something off that would have made me think i should have never gotten out of bed, but yet, i needed it. that's what this year felt like for me, was just a concluded period of personal drama that i wanted to deeply take, to stabilize a relationship and to learn the one that i love.
2017 not only made me learn, but made me realize about myself, and it wasn't just timely matters that had to do with it, it's where i was, and what mental state i was in regarding myself and my step-family. i've learned way too much let's just say, that how cruel people can be, and how mass-manipulation is a power that someone like my step-dad can carry. and so, just about the middle of the year, i escaped, and went back to florida, maybe it was about time i came back to apologize about what i've done back in florida, after realizing the many things in nevada, and having to respect now i just sit here wondering if what i have done after my realization have been paid off, that i finally feel proud that i've made a name for myself regardless if it was my hobbies or my talents.
i feel like i didn't, though. there were many things wrong with me that stuck with me for years, and there still are many things wrong with me, and it's because i never put any focused goals in my life enough to just consistently achieve them and be rewarded with a healthier lifestyle every single time. i dream of being what i want to be, without the unhealthy habits that i carry, and nowadays, i feel like that i can just do it by not doing it. but addiction is a painful pair of shackles that never let you free, and in result, doing what you want to do without having any stress trying. but i know, one day, i'll get sick of this, be angry with myself, and realize even more than what i realized back at where i was.
but most importantly, i'm glad i got what i need, i'm glad i realized and learned things and in return helping people out and using what i've been told. i am comfortable, happy, and my dreams are close to me in just a grade and a half to go in school. i'm glad i'm not as angry as i was anymore, stooping and personally witch-hunting everyone down, and carrying the same reasonable faith as these people. i want to practice it more, and i sure will try. and just like the future and resolution, i'll try do to better at being myself and improving.
tldr, i'm thankful to every year because the years have been painful, yet, they've been very enlightening and well-learned, as if i needed it, to grow stronger. i cannot simply say if it's good or bad, but in the end, i know that im thankful for this year, and ill be thankful for the next.
sorry if i seem to come off as emotional in this though, but this year and last year was pretty deep. and it probably won't be since i got the guaranteed peace in my life the next year.
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