this may seem really, really abrupt since i never talk about it (i prefer to keep this stuff to myself) but it's gotten to the point where im basically trying to ask anyone who would know advice on what to do in this situation, given alot of you are functioning adults with jobs and all that stuff.
for the uninitiated, i have adhd and am on the autism spectrum. it is hard for me to socialize with people and i find it hard to remember doing routines without reminders because of this. even without this excuse for some of the stuff i find difficult, i am pretty lazy and i don't have much of a life outside of using my computer for art and social interaction. i'm also a bit of a hoarder admittedly.
my family consists of my grandma, my dad, and my stepmom. currently my grandma is fighting cancer, and i don't really interact with my stepmom but she's a nice woman.
long story short, my dad is verbally abusive. every day i basically hide myself in my room to avoid interacting with him because i'm terrified of saying the wrong thing because he's very, VERY quick to make irate and permanent decisions (i get this trait from him. forget). he has constantly insulted me and called me names in bouts of anger (piece of stuff, fatass, lazy ass, selfish, disgusting, pig, slob) and has threatened to have me arrested (he has called the cops on me once for running away, and threatened to get me sent to juvie for asking my grandma for some money) and threatens to injure me (more specifically, he says 'i should beat the stuff out of you' or 'you're lucky i haven't beaten the stuff out of you'. one time i called the cops on him and the cops did nothing, saying 'it's just terminal punishment so its legal'). he has injured me twice before, but that was a few years ago. they didn't leave marks unfortunately. he's also threatened to kill my pet bearded dragon.
because of the constant pressure of my dad and the fact that my grandma, the only positive influence on my life outside of my internet friends, is basically dying, it's been getting harder and harder to do basic things. i can barely sleep (and when i do i oversleep), i have had bags under my eyes for 2 years now, and i'm terrified to even ask any questions because i know he'll punish me for asking the wrong thing (he has done this before). i've had anxiety and probably depression, most likely a direct result of this unbearable pressure, and one of my friends (who is basically counselling me because she's in an abusive household so she knows her stuff) is almost certain i have post traumatic stress disorder given my descriptions.
the worst part is sometimes i get suicidal thoughts and visions. when i got these before, i would just shove them aside because its just a stupid edgy thought on the back of my mind, but they're getting alot more prominent and its making me very loving scared of what might happen to me. i heard alot of forgeted up psychopaths and degenerates were the way they were because they were raised in an abusive or neglectful household and i do NOT want that to happen to me.
first question. is any of this my fault? i always end up forgiving him because im way too loving empathetic for my own good (i forgave sebi after leaking my kinks to the forum and look where that got me) and i'm conflicted on if this is my fault and he's in the right, or if he is being a terrible parent. i genuinely don't know what i think; stuff that happens always influences my opinion on it of course and i can never really stick with one stance on it. right now for instance; if i waited like 5 hours i probably wouldn't have even posted this. i need a reasonable adult to tell me if this is an overreaction on my part or not.
second question, how do i fix this? i've looked into foster care and i found a very nice place; only problem is it's extremely far away from the 2 irl friends i have AND i'll have to move away from my grandma. she's the nicest goddamn woman you'll ever meet and i don't want to be away from her, plus i don't know if i'll be able to bring my pet lizard with me OR if i'll be able to bring my electronics to use the internet (pathetic i know). i don't even know who to CALL because my parents are home most of the time so i won't be able to call, say, a national hotline because they'll hear me and interrupt the call to say that 'i'm just doing this because he's punishing me' or whatever i dont know.
please, blf. if yall know what i can do to fix my life, please. dm me if you need more in depth explanations on things.