I'm in a stuff mental state right now and have nowhere else to vent, so...dump warning:
I feel like I'm stuck in the past, but at the same time, I can't come to terms with how lonely and sad my childhood was. I keep trying to play games I played as a child and eating food/drinks that reminds me of those times, just trying to recapture the fun I used to be able to have as a child. The last time i was really deep into enjoying something was back when I was buzzing myself on DXM, which, I don't want to do again because I don't want to depend on drugs for happiness. I used to wonder what was behind certain doors in video games, simple websites still amused me, I wasn't nearly as mentally/emotionally fragile, I could think so much more clearly, I could still feel really happy, and life just seemed better in general. Yet, at the same time, my childhood was kinda crap. Teachers and my dad were constantly pissed off at me for one reason or another. I still get nightmares about people being pissed off at me for things I don't even understand I did wrong. Even throughout high school, I didn't really have much in the way of genuine friends. I was kind of an annoying, immature kid (which was probably undiagnosed ADHD, looking back on it), so pretty much no one wanted to hang out with me. To this day, outside of a 4th grade sleepover (that I got punched in 7th grade for ruining), I never really got to experience hanging out with people. Not even at recess as a kid. In high school, it was probably partly because I lacked a phone and social media presence, but still.
Even in spite of this, I keep trying to relive the past. I think maybe I'm just trying to compensate for my crap childhood, maybe? Just trying to find happiness in a world that gets increasingly stuffty and depressing by the day? Maybe I just can't accept that I'm stuck with a stuff childhood forever so I'm just trying to experience one I never had?
I dunno man, I feel loving weird and pathetic. This isn't healthy, but I can't afford therapy. Especially when it's been 7 months with nobody hiring me straight out of college.