The Cottage

[Jsk2003]

This is a short story I had to do about a image I saw (showed a couple on a balcony) in Speech class.

   It was a quiet Sunday afternoon. The birds were singing, butterflies fluttering about, trees swaying, a normal beautiful day ... for now. Jack and Jill were a couple renting out a cottage, but there was something more sinister than the over priced little cottage. They finally finished putting their bags down, so they decided to take a stroll around the place and explore. They found a little antique bird bath, that was actually being used!
   Jack and Jill sat behind a bush and watched the majestic crow sit on it and sometimes even get his whole head wet and then wringing it out by vigorously twisting his head rapidly. The next thing that happened was harmless, but had drastic consequences. Jack laughed, and it seems the crow didn't take criticism that well. The crow then shrieked four times then stopped. All of a sudden, hundreds of crows came out of the trees shrieking and pecking at Jack's face. By the end of the madness, Jack's face had suffered many cuts and scratches. Jill rushed him to the house to get first aid and mend to his injuries.
   Finally she finished and at the end of it, Jack looked like he just walked out of a mummy convention. Jill wanted to go to the hospital and leave this place, but Jack insisted that they stay and continue exploring the area for more excitement. Jill responded with, "You think getting your face torn off by thousands of crows is exciting and fun?" Jack just kept insisting that them two should make the best of it and to continue exploring the features of this place until Jill accepted and complied. That was their downfall.
   Jack and Jill went up the mountain to get a clear view of their house. Once they reached the top, they could see everything there was for miles. Then something caught Jill's eye, it was a little tiny shed but looked like it was a stairwell to go underground in some basement. She told Jack about it, immediately he ran down the moutain, doing barrel rolls down until he hit a big rock which stopped and hurt him in the process. But in a few seconds, he was back up and running down the hill.
   After a few minutes, they finally reached the stairwell. It was too dark to see into, but luckily Jill brought a flashlight! She handed it to Jack who led them down the creaking stairs. But at last, they slowed to a halt. There, infront of them, was a huge locked iron gate with barbed wire at the top. but this didn't stop Jack, who, for some reason, brought a lock pick with him. He managed to pick the lock in under a minute, but the gate wouldn't budge. Finally after many tries and pushes, he managed to push it where they can squeeze through. Jack went through it first, followed by Jill, and they adventured in the abandoned underground place. What they found was really strange, old computers and charts. It looked like an old corporate research facility.
   Jill wiped away some of the dust on a sign and it read, "UMBRELLA CORPORATION OFFICES". Then Jill shrieked, Jack ran to her quickly, only to find out it was just little rats running about. That's when they looked at what the rats were chewing and crowding around on, there was something round shape. When they picked it up, they shook off the rats to discover that the thing they have been holding was a head. Jill shrieked so loud, it was a wonder that the entire world couldn't hear her. They ran quickly to get out, but on the way, when Jack was squeezing past the gate, he had cut his leg and now the leg was bleeding quite too much. They ran without stopping, all the way to their cottage. Jill couldn't stop talking when she sat down, she almost went insane. Finally after a few minutes she calmed down, but she immediately wanted to leave. Then she noticed it had been raining while she was freaking out. You wouldn't think it raining for just a few minutes qwould do much, but it was pouring. She still headed for the car to see if it would be able to get out of the mud. She put the keys in and started the car, but no dice, it couldn't get out of it.
   That's when she heard it, a groan from something, but she looked all around and couldn't see anything. Then WHAM, it hit the car door, startling Jill. She opened up the door, but it knocked something over. It was a body, without a head. It laid on the ground while Jill collapsed to the ground in shock. She reached around for something to hold as she stood up. But to her surprise, so did the corpse. She dropped her jaw in horror and froze. She then screamed, when Jack came over and saw what happened. He froze too, but only for a moment then he leaped at it, wrestling it to the ground. The body went rabid, it began to scratch at Jack. He yelled in pain as the corpse was trying to tear at his flesh. Jack then rolled on his back and kicked the corpse off of him. Jill pointed at a pitchfork and called for Jack's attention. Jack saw it and picked it up and kept thrusting at the torso. Finally he thrusted and it pierced the skin and went straight through the other side. The corpse continued wobbling and swaying around, until it finally fell down.
   Jack and Jill sighed in relief, their hearts still beating rapidly. Then Jill took Jack in to look at all the scratches Jack had on his arms and his back. He had twelve severe scratches. Jill pulled out the first aid box to find out she used up all the bandages on Jack's mummified face after the crows incident. She told Jack to stay there while she searched their bags upstairs for any bandages.
   Jill climbed up the stairs and started digging through their suitcases and boxes. She didn't find any more medical supplies, but she did find the old photo album. There were pictures of them skiing and fishing and the time when they had a picnic and the wind would constantly blow away everything. It all brought wonderful memories of them together into her head.
   Then she heard a low groan. She stood up and turned around, there stood Jack, his face hidden beneath the bandages.She called, in a questioning tone, "Jack?" No answer, just shuffling around on his bloody feet. Jill slowly started walking backward to the balcony. Jack reached out to grab Jill, but Jill was hesitant to come any closer to him. Jack then shuffled onto the balcony with her. Jack suddenly pushed his arms at Jill when Jill tripped and fell back over the railing. Jack held on to Jill, making him fall down with her.
   Time slowed to a crawl. Jill looked up at Jack. Her mind was flooded with the memories of her life and of Jack. The time they first met, talked, when their first date was, the time they met eachother's parents. But all these thoughts ceased when she saw Jack's ripped bandages fly off his head which uncovered his face. She saw his eyes, they were pure red and were bleeding out. Jill's whispered her last words, "Oh my god..." then everything went dark.

TLDR: Don't even bother posting, there's no point to say anything if you haven't read it all.

Criticism please.

[Ad Bot]

[Colten]

I didnt find it entertaining :/

[EvilMuffinZ]

tl;dr

Ontopic:

I didnt find it entertaining :/

[Jsk2003]

I didnt find it entertaining :/

Nice criticism, I can use that and strengthen my future stories I have to do. [/sarcasm]

[Colten]

Nice criticism, I can use that and strengthen my future stories I have to do. [/sarcasm]

Here's real advice:
Put this in Creativity

[Jsk2003]

Meh, I live in the off topic forum and don't venture that much into other forums.

[TapeDeck]

Finally she finished

excellent word choice.

Then Jill shrieked, Jack ran to her quickly, only to find out it was just little rats running about.

Almost seems to be a run-on.

[Pimpin]

Almost seems to be a run-on.

because it is, lol

[Swholli]

If you want my honest opinion, for some reason I decided to do an audio commentary on your story. Feel free to download it here.

The thing is a freaking half an hour of me reading and brown townyzing your story. And while I no way claim to be an expert on any matters of English, I did do very well in all of my English courses and am taking Honors English, so I do know a little.

Obviously, I haven't even scratched the surface of what literature is, and to add on to that it's 1 in the morning and I am tired as forget making this, but alas, everything's in their in my honest opinion. From one "artist" to another I suppose.

Feel free to take my advice, and feel free to ignore it, I could care less. But I hope I gave you the feedback you were looking for. Though I do hope you take a listen to it, I spent a half an hour making it, so it's not completely worthless. It was a lot of quality time I could have used doing nothing... or sleeping.

Anyway, hope something in that helps. Though I do start to ramble at times. :D

[Skulltulla]

Do a barrel roll!

[Mr. Snipe]

Do a barrel roll!

loled

[brad block]

I found the story quite intresting. The part that spoiled it was the
"UMBRELLA CORPORATION OFFICES", that made me think of resident evil. That explained the crows and zombies.

[Illidan]

<snip>

lol'd hard at the bird commentary

[Jsk2003]

I found the story quite intresting. The part that spoiled it was the
"UMBRELLA CORPORATION OFFICES", that made me think of resident evil. That explained the crows and zombies.

WAIT UMBRELLA CORPORTATION DEALS WITH ZOMBIES?
Darn and I thought I just made it up on the top of my head.

Things

You hit all the points that I was also worried about, and pointing out things I didn't think of.
Your voice is lovely. Thank you very much, I will take a lot of this and try to fix my story up.
However I have to do a demonstration speech to present on Monday.

Just to note: This is something I'm going to have to read out loud, so I was looking on how to speak it using my voice better.

[JD]

My name's Jack