Bump with another ramble. I guess this is gonna turn into a therapy thread or some stuff? Idk anymore.
Merry Christmas, m8s, and/or whatever you feel like calling it.
Home on holiday break. I didn't manage to fix anything since December 6th, mostly because I suddenly had a whole bunch of huge projects to do.
No, that's just an excuse. I coulda worked around the projects if I really wanted to.
I think the core of the problem is that I'm afraid.
Afraid of people. Afraid of hurting and being hurt. Afraid of... a lot of things.
So metaphorically speaking, I'm still where I was earlier this month, posting anonymously on a forum because I still haven't gotten the courage to face the reality behind the screen. I don't have any friends in town, either on campus or back here at home. I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been. I really don't understand much of anything right now.
Except the feeling of emptiness. That, I understand. It's just inescapable.
Still don't have the guts to off myself. Still wear the pin every day. Still remember everyone here with fond memories. Also some folks who aren't here anymore. I guess this sort of thing is the most friendship-like thing I've really experienced lately, aside from those six hours with the one really close friend I made at the college.
And you know what that is? That's sad.
That I feel better about these forums than I do about most of the rest of my life.
But I still don't have the courage to stand up and change something. I'm still too afraid. And the worst part is that it doesn't get better. Hiding behind a screen just makes the fear stay where it is, even get a little worse. I thought it was an easy way, years ago, back when I was younger and much much stupider and even more sperglordier. Now I'm trapped in it and I don't have the courage to get out anymore, and I don't know if that will ever change.
I know if I got a stroke of luck I could pull it off. But then, what's the point? That's not what life is about, as you guys pointed out. You don't just wait until life throws you a bone. Life is damn stingy with its bones anyhow, or at least it feels like that sometimes. Maybe the thing I'm looking for has been right in front of me this whole time and I'm just too stupid to realize it.
I haven't really told my family, or anyone else about these issues, except those useless therapists or shrinks or whatever they are, who can't do jack stuff for me. I mean, I've mentioned it in the past, but I don't want to worry them.
...as I sit here typing this, I suddenly remember a youtube video I watched of a game called The Sandman, on ManlyBadassHero's youtube channel. Just earlier today I was comparing the lead character to "the universe's doormat" because she hid from her life and kept everything inside, because she didn't want to be a bother to anyone. And my life isn't half as bad as said character's life must have been, or as so many peoples lives are right now. What right do I have to be moping around? None, really. But I don't know how to change. Or maybe I do and I'm just too afraid to admit it to myself.
Oh, the irony.
One of the projects I had to do was comparing two books.
One was about a spy. He lied, and he lied a lot, and the best way to not get caught in a lie was to live the lie. And so he lost touch with who he really was, and how to be honest with himself or with anyone else.
The other was about a man who spent years trying to hide from his past, but more accurately, trying to hide from himself, and who he really was.
Maybe that was supposed to be some sort of sign. I'll be honest, the books were sort of crap, but hell.
It's late. I should get some sleep. Gotta start sleeping on a more regular schedule. Maybe I wouldn't be so damn tired if I kept a routine at least.
Bill out. If anyone finds themself in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, anytime before halfway through january, gimme a shout, willya? Maybe I need an excuse to face the world.
Also thanks for putting up with my rambling. I'm probably an starfish. Right before I left for break, someone wrote "Do you wanna build a snowman?" on the whiteboard on my dorm room door. I think it was the girlfriend of one of the other guys on my floor. Bloody Frozen reference, and yet... the comparison is... kinda valid. I'm guessing, since I haven't seen Frozen.
Agh... I hate my life and I'm not even coherent anymore. I should stop typing and just hit the X button in the corner without posting, but I'm going to display my notoriously poor judgement and post anyway and hope I don't piss anyone off.
TL;DR, nothing much changed except the world has started getting a little more obvious in trying to tell me to face reality.