FACADE STAGEPLAY
Mon Jan 09 17 50 55 2012
TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
GRACE
What for? -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
No, he's right on time!
GRACE
God... Trip!
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Jesper knocks on the front door.)
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Jesper!!
JESPER
Melons
TRIP
Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! -- (interrupted)
(JESPER hugs trip.)
(JESPER knocks on the front door.)
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
JESPER
Hey
GRACE
Jesper,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time!
TRIP
Yeah, it's been too long.
(JESPER hugs grace.)
GRACE
H-mmm (happy smile sound)
JESPER
Hi
GRACE
By the way, you look fabulous!
JESPER
Thanks
GRACE
Make yourself -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Oh, ha ha ha!
GRACE
hmmm Jesper, seeing you brings back wonderful memories, really...
(JESPER sits on the couch.)
TRIP
Ye -- yeah...
JESPER
Like what?
TRIP
Uh, y -- uh, yeah, heh, tonight is special...
TRIP
Jesper, -- (interrupted)
JESPER
Why?
TRIP
Uh, well, r - remember how you introduced us almost exactly ten years ago tonight?
JESPER
No
TRIP
Uh, well, all I can say is, tonight means a lot to me, and Grace.
JESPER
That's dumb
TRIP
No, no, no it's, uh -- it's good to see you again. -- (interrupted)
JESPER
Nope
(Trip shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP
N - no, no...
TRIP
Ah! Jesper, I'm being a bad host -- you need a drink.
JESPER
No
TRIP
Oh this perfect -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Uh, um, wait, um, uh, we need drinks.
TRIP
How does a martini sound?
TRIP
Grace's dad taught -- (interrupted)
JESPER
No
TRIP
Oh, I -- I thought you'd love that...
GRACE
Trip, Trip, you're pressuring our friend.
JESPER
Yeah
GRACE
Jesper, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?
JESPER
Sure
GRACE
Good, okay!
TRIP
Anyway, about the drinks...
TRIP
(little sigh) I'll just make something nice for myself then...
TRIP
Grace, I assume you also don't want a real drink, correct?
GRACE
I'm going to join our friend in what he is having.
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
Oh, Jesper, you've -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
(JESPER gets up from the couch.)
GRACE
Oh, I'll get it --
TRIP
No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Trip, no, I want --
TRIP
Grace, come on, don't be rude.
(JESPER picks up the phone.)
PHONE
** RING **
PHONE
Hello? Hello?
TRIP
Jesper, no! Don't do that.
JESPER
What are you wearing?
PHONE
Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother.
TRIP
Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
PHONE
I don't recognize your voice...
GRACE
Oh!
PHONE
I -- I think I have the wrong number... ** click **
JESPER
This is doge
TRIP
Okay, she's confused, as usual... just -- just hang it up.
(JESPER puts down the phone.)
TRIP
Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her.
GRACE
Oh, I wanted to say hello --
(JESPER sits on the couch.)
TRIP
No no, come on, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...
(JESPER gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.
GRACE
Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth --
TRIP
Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
GRACE
(big sigh)
GRACE
Oh God, Jesper, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...
TRIP
What?
JESPER
I did
(JESPER picks up a player's drink.)
TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait, what's wrong, Grace?
TRIP
Anyway...
TRIP
Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful...
GRACE
Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend --
TRIP
Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not.
(JESPER sits on the couch.)
TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Sheejus.
JESPER
Calm down
GRACE
You know, ever since we got married, I can't help it, I'm forever buying new furniture and redecorating,
GRACE
I -- I really enjoy it --
TRIP
Yeah, it's in your blood, you grew up with this stuff.
(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)
GRACE
Jesper, now be honest with me, agree that this room just does not work!
TRIP
Grace, come on, what are you talking about?
JESPER
It doesn't work
GRACE
Oh, yeah, that new painting, I just put it up this week... It's...
TRIP
Well, heh, I don't know what the hell it is, so it must be good, heh!
TRIP
heh heh...
TRIP
Heh.
GRACE
(clears throat)
GRACE
So, about my decorating...
GRACE
All day at work I design ads for stylish objects, like these paintings,
GRACE
and then I think, I want to design them into my apartment --
TRIP
Yeah Grace was the highest bidder at an auction for this!
GRACE
but... no, I'm wrong, these look completely amateurish and gauche.
TRIP
Oh come on! Jesus why can't you just be happy with this? This is fine!
JESPER
Yeah they look like stuff
GRACE
Ah, thank you, I knew you'd give me an honest answer --
TRIP
Uhh, it's just decorating for Christ's sake, you're turning this into some big issue --
GRACE
You know, Trip, if you hadn't convinced me to go into advertising, I could have painted that painting on the wall instead of buying it!
TRIP
(short petulant sigh)
TRIP
Yeah and with our income cut in half, we'd be living in some basement apartment in Queens, as if you could ever handle that...
JESPER
It's no issue man
TRIP
Uhh, let's not talk about the damn decorating anymore...
GRACE
Anyhow, Jesper, thank you for your honesty.
GRACE
(happy but tense sigh)
GRACE
Jesper,
GRACE
you and I are getting along so well tonight...
(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)
JESPER
Indeed
GRACE
Stay there for a moment... -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Y -- yeah, stay there for a sec.
GRACE
Ugh, I'm getting -- (interrupted)
JESPER
Ok
GRACE
Y -- yeah, well, stay there, I want your opinion...
GRACE
Maybe if I replaced it with... um...
TRIP
Do you... do you remember, Grace...
GRACE
What.
TRIP
How I proposed to you.
GRACE
Oh, God, Trip --
TRIP
Here, Jesper, I'll show you.
TRIP
It was at Grace's parents' house, Christmas, senior year of college --
GRACE
Trip, what are you doing?!
TRIP
I got on one knee, in front of everybody, and --
GRACE
Stop it, Trip!
TRIP
I pulled out a diamond ring --
GRACE
Trip!
TRIP
And I said, Grace, will you marry me?
TRIP
Heh, is -- is that romantic or what?!
JESPER
That's gay
TRIP
Jesper, yes? Very romantic?
JESPER
No
GRACE
Thank you!
TRIP
What? I --
GRACE
See, Trip, not everyone thinks being proposed to like that is so romantic.
GRACE
I don't know where you get your ideas.
TRIP
Jesper,
TRIP
Grace, come on, what could be more romantic than that?
GRACE
Jesper, I'm sorry, you didn't need to see that --
TRIP
Grace!
GRACE
Trip, you're being a real bore tonight, let's just forget about it, okay?
TRIP
(big frustrated sigh)
GRACE
(clears throat)
TRIP
Jesper, I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer --
TRIP
Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...
(JESPER gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
So, come on, I -- I want you to look at this!
GRACE
(annoyed sigh)
GRACE
Jesper, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
TRIP
Grace...!!!
JESPER
Ok
GRACE
Trip, you see, your special interest for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable!
(JESPER sits on the couch.)
TRIP
Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon!
GRACE
What? Jesper, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all.
TRIP
Jesus, I was trying to find a way for us to spend some time together!
GRACE
All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you.
TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane!
TRIP
Goddamn italy...
TRIP
I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant! I do, I really try!
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Jesper, can you believe this?
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
Uh huh, you...
TRIP
I know what you'll say...
TRIP
You've been criticizing me ever since you got here!
JESPER
I'm not sorry
GRACE
You and your damn parents...
GRACE
What? I -- what are you saying to me?
TRIP
Your... goddamn decorating...
TRIP
You're never satisfied with anything! You're never happy, never ever satisfied with anything.
GRACE
Oh, sure, yeah!
JESPER
You are both annoying
TRIP
Alright, you know what, Jesper,
TRIP
I need to ask you something.
GRACE
Trip --
TRIP
Grace, let me ask our guest a question.
TRIP
Jesper, yes or no...
TRIP
If one person in a marriage gives the other advice, and that advice is taken -- years later, can you get blamed for that?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
Is it okay to get blamed for giving advice that was taken, like, ten years ago?
TRIP
Yes or no.
JESPER
Yes
TRIP
What...?!
TRIP
Oh, alright... yeah...
TRIP
Uhh, I keep trying to help you Grace, but you reject me, you cut me off, you cut me out of your life, goddammit!
GRACE
Oh, my God...!
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
Uhh! Yeah, good, get out of my sight!
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
I don't want to look at you!
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
Goddammit!
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
(JESPER sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
uhh!
JESPER
I'M FINISHED
GRACE
Jesper, I -- I'm sorry... this is a disaster...
(JESPER puts down a player's drink.)
JESPER
Nope
GRACE
What?! What are you saying to me?
TRIP
Grace, what the hell are you saying about me in there?
JESPER
This is fun
GRACE
What do you care?
GRACE
Jesper, in -- in what you said before, about marriage... I think we've already learned something about Trip.
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
Jesper, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.
GRACE
Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.
TRIP
Well, heh, I -- I mean, we -- heh -- we -- we've got everything...
GRACE
Trip, you just don't... uhh.
TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.
GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.
TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.
GRACE
No, it's true...
JESPER
I'd agree
TRIP
Yes?
GRACE
Ah, that helps him.
TRIP
What!? That's ridiculous. Why would I -- why would I be afraid of their stupid meatloafs and their tacky house and their crappy wine...?
TRIP
Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.
GRACE
Jesper, you -- you blame me for all this, don't you?
TRIP
See, I don't think you really want to be an artist. This is all just something -- (interrupted)
JESPER
No
TRIP
No?
GRACE
Oh, thank God you disagree, that really helps us! Uhh! Trip, how dare you say that to me! Uhh...
JESPER
I blame you both
GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college, you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!
TRIP
What?
GRACE
If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now.
TRIP
Uhh... Jesper, uhh...
JESPER
Why'd you invite me here?
GRACE
Why?
TRIP
Thank you. Grace, you wanted a real job -- at the time, you told me you didn't want to paint anymore! You said that!
GRACE
Uhh...
JESPER
What does this have to do with me
TRIP
Look, let's talk about Grace now.
GRACE
You know Trip, it's so annoying when you 'reminisce' about 'the early days'...
TRIP
What...?
GRACE
It was not a happy time, Trip.
TRIP
Oh my God... -- (interrupted)
JESPER
Yeah, go away Trip
TRIP
Okay, Jesper, you know what? I think you should leave.
JESPER
forget you
TRIP
We can put up with a lot, but we have our limits, you know?
JESPER
Let go forgeter
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
We'll be fine -- just go.
JESPER
I beat your wife
(Trip closes the front door.)
JESPER
forget butts
