i liked it until you tried cramming forum member's names into it. it got too complicated and it is easy to tell you just wanted to put all of your friends in the story. them being there didn't affect the story's plot progression at all and really was unnecessary.
you also need to work on not making every sentence a new paragraph; did you not pass 4th grade English?
I thought your constructive criticism was good until you started insulting me.
Yes, I did pass 4th grade english. Did you?
Each line was basically going onto a new topic. You also have to make a new line when somebody is talking. I'm not so sure what you are talking about.
And everyone in the story aren't my friends, they are just some people well known around the forums I decided to put in.