need serious help and advice regarding a toxic household

Author Topic: need serious help and advice regarding a toxic household  (Read 6744 times)

had a good sleep, gonna update now that i dont have to type on the god damn 3ds lol

yesterday when my dad was gone i talked with my grandma about this.
my first question was 'do you think dad is abusive', response was no. i told her that the way he parents and disciplines is, by definition, verbal abuse, and a form of manipulation. didn't ask her again afterwards because i forgot to.
she then told me that she overheard him calling the centers, the local mental institute place thing that diagnosed me with asd, asking for my diagnosis. she thinks that this is because he wants to try understanding my problems but i honestly don't think so, it's really making me nervous.
she is certain that he's trying to improve himself.

thoughts?
regarding this
i told my friend who is basically filling the role of counselor (since god knows when i'll be able to see a real one) and she gave me some pretty good input on it

i really don't know what to think of anything anymore. for starters i've been really loving afraid this past week, since he's been more... aggressive lately. i'd lock my door to protect myself but he knows how to pick the lock or something. i WANT to believe he's trying to get better, but i haven't seen the anger management drugs my grandma claims he's been taking anywhere, not even in the meds cabinet, and if anything he's getting worse. i don't know if this is because of my grandma being in a rough spot, but if it is then him taking it out on his son is a pretty loving horrible thing to do.
just today he got on me because i have a bandage on my index finger (the fingernail is mangled and i dont want anyone seeing it) and because i left a door open.

posting this from my phone in the bathroom
today's about to suck ASS i can already tell. woke up at 10:30 to dad yelling at me because he thinks im staying up (i am, but only until 12 becayse that's when I start to feel tired. I get about 9 hours of sleep this way) and calling me a liar and all that. went to do my school stuff. i have 4 classes, and ive done all i can do in 3. when you finish a module in a class you have to schedule a meeting on the phone with the teacher so they can ask questions and give you the password to the exam. It's called a dba.
dad checks on me to ask me to dust my room afterwards (he's alot calmer now) and i tell him im done  (did the work for the one class I could) and i just need to schedule dbas for the other classes. He gets really mad, trying to accuse me of lying again becayse 3 were done at the same time and he was mad becayse I hadn't done this yesterday (even though you cant. You can't schedule a dba unless everything in that module is complete.) so I go to get my phone to call teachers and accidentally leave the door open. He gets super mad about that and yells at me some more because the dog got into the room. Afterwards, i come back with my phone and attempt to call teachers but turns out im out of minutes. I did not want to ask dad because knowing him he would probably beat me so I emailed the teachers instead. Ill ask him tomorrow.
didn't get a chance to record this time. all the while my grandma was resting on the couch just watching, probably because she didn't know what to do.
important to note while he was yelling at me he brung up the last time he blew up for something insignificant. He's now bringing up his past outbursts trying to scare me. Cool.
god help me

he came home and isn't mad anymore but im still really loving nervous. @anyone who has me on discord, dont expect a response after 9pm and before, like 8am

sorry if this is kinda inappropriate but i really want to beat the stuff out of your dad

at the very least slap some sense into him

not really an update but i just really really need to get some stuff off my chest.

i... i really don't know what to do anymore. every day it seems to get worse; i always think 'oh, i'm doing everything that's expected of me, things can only get better from here!' but then i get punished for something i can't even expect; be it me washing the dishes wrong, leaving the door open, having paper plates in my trash can, you loving name it. and i always get yelled at and punished. i lost my 'priveledge' to use my phone after 9 because i sleep too long just today. i try my hardest solely to keep the things i've '''earned''' to keep myself from having nothing to even do except twiddle my god damn thumbs all day in my empty room but something always happens to go wrong, and it's always the one loving thing i would never expect. it's like god himself is loving laughing at me.
before all this even started, before dad was released from prison, it was just me, nana, and grampy. i loving loved that old man and it loving sucks because i can't even tell him. the day he died i was a douchebag, too; he said 'have fun at school' and i didn't even answer and i loving regret not telling him i love him. he was the only one who would stand up for me, too; now everyone stands idle because everyone's already submissive because they 'know their place'. loving hell.
it was just me nan and gramps and all i had was my computer, a tv, my wii and my ds. every day it was just fun. i would go to school, get decent grades, come home, and goof off until i go to sleep. it was so god damn comfy; i used the guest room that dad now uses as his bedroom as my 'play pen'. when dad was still in prison he would send me letters almost every day; each one sweeter than the last. you could tell how much he missed me and how much he loved me, how much he resented the fact that he was absent in my life; he would even commission people in prison to draw me pictures of mario and pikachu on hankerchiefs as birthday presents. i have all these letters in a shoebox in my room. looking at it makes me well up every time. i don't know what happened to him that made him this way.
the worst part is, lets say i manage to call child protective services. what are they expected to do? all the abuse that's happening here is verbal and emotional; its abuse and it's very obvious gaslighting but what are they even supposed to do? CAN they even do anything about it? the best thing i can do is convince dad to see a therapist so he can be told off of doing this manipulative garbage from the mouth of a professional (because he wont listen to me; im scared to ask him anything.) and i know for a FACT that he will never do that. he's a narcissist for sure; in his eyes, what he's doing is good parenting.
i don't even have anyone to vent to. i won't be able to see a therapist as i lack a transportation method AND i'm too young to legally use uber, plus i dont even know if they'll accept my broke ass. and hey, let's say by some god damn miracle i manage to get in. what's gonna happen? sure i'll be able to vent about it but it won't fix anything. i'm stuck here until i turn 18 and move out or die. i just wish i had a family member who actually understands the magnitude of the situation; the fact that this stuff is basically killing me, someone i can actually hug, who would love me and accept me no matter what i do or who i am. shame that'll never happen; after all, love is conditional, am i right dad? i'm serious. when i came home from the store with my stepmom, he tried guilt tripping me for saying 'i love you' to my grandma for literally no loving reason; "love is something you show" forget off you disgrace
the worst part is sometimes he's really loving nice. like, for no reason, sometimes he's just a jolly person who will do stuff for you even if it's quite absurd; for instance he built a fort in the yard for me just because i talked about it alot. i dont even know why he does this, especially since he clearly doesn't care about my wellbeing. it sucks because it confuses the forget out of me; if he didn't love me, why would he build a shed for me to richard around in? i don't even know what to think anymore
i hope to god himself that nobody who will ever walk this cursed loving earth has to go through the stuff i have to endure almost on a daily now. no human being deserves this.

atleast i still have my electronics.

yeah dude doing most of your activities online is sooo lazy am i right? loving slob over here! its not like i taught myself how to draw damn near flawlessly, spend almost all of my hours drawing and composing stuff (half the time for OTHER PEOPLE) or anything; yeah im lazy because i don't spend my time outside doing nothing.

my dad's probably going to force me into being a construction worker.

dude's got a serious case of being bipolar

First off, your dad acting like a complete psycopath isn't your fault
second off, are you going to college? Getting away from terrible stuff is never a bad idea

second off, are you going to college? Getting away from terrible stuff is never a bad idea
i am not interested in going to college. it sounds really stressful and the jobs i'm looking at don't need a college degree
my irl friend is okay with me living at his house once he inherits it so there's that, atleast. he's a cool dude.

im glad all of you agree with me on my dad not being a very good dad; for years i thought i was just being a baby.

the funny thing is i never really looked into why my dad actually went to jail in the first place.

i kind of remember hearing my grandma say it was for drug trafficking or something? but if he had that on his criminal record, would he even be legally allowed to look after children?

Ur dad is secretly the zodiac killer.

Where is your biological mother? Perhaps you could go to her? My parents are separated as well and when things went sour at my dads house as an early teen, I packed up and moved to my moms. Is this an option for you at all?

Where is your biological mother?
dead. she died a few years ago

also today sucked loving ass. it started so well too, he praised me for waking up at 9 (as opposed to 10 lol) but turned sour because apparently i'm not working long enough, even though it takes less than an hour to do an assignment in all classes. forget my life fellas

some other bad stuff happened but i caught it on video, my phone was in my pocket so i was able to finally record! the first video is the yelling im used to, and the second video is less 'abuse' and more of just what he's like normally, when he isn't mad but he isn't happy either. lmk if yall want me to upload them.