Alright, I guess I'll share a little. My better judgement is telling me it's a bad thing to do but oh well, it's not like another leak is going to happen or something.
Well, relationships are inherently complicated for me. As it stands I am a minor and I'm not allowed to take hormones nor receive any sort of surgery (which will be far harder to actually get). So there are deep-seated insecurities about my current body and how wrong it is, which don't translate well to the intimacy and affection a relationship requires. On top of that there's still the fact I have to go outside and live as a male in society, and while I am biloveual, it's very awkward to just walk up to people and let them know you're trans. I don't really know how to explain but I don't want them to think I'm gay/straight/whatever and perceive me as male which is very difficult not to when it's what I'm currently stuck as.
This is why the majority of my relationships have been online - there's no physical contact and as a result they are only exposed to me as a person and not me as a physical being. Thus I feel more comfortable being affectionate and intimate because when it comes to loveual roleplay I can explore myself not as a male but as who I really am - a female. However, the downside of loving people hundreds of miles away is that they can't actually be there. When I have an emotional breakdown because things just get too heavy, or when my father verbally abuses me, or when I just need someone to hold me it's something I can't get. Deep down inside I'm very sensitive and romantic and having someone do that would help me greatly. But as much as it would help it makes me uncomfortable because of the discrepancy between my mind and my body so it's a double-bladed knife. It would probably harm more than it would do good, but it's something I need, so... complications.
And then later on it doesn't look too good. Once I'm eighteen I can legally purchase hormones on my own and start using them, great. I've got tits, I look like a chick, I've already planned ahead so I can pass, and my face is very feminine. So that could solve all my problems, right? Well, not really. It'd actually make more. See, in the United States I have to jump through a ton of hoops to get loveual reassignment surgery. It'd be a bare minimum of at least two or three years before I can actually go in and even after that I'm loveually disabled for six months to let the new equipment heal. But the time prior to surgery is rough when it comes to relationships. I mean, after all, I've got the wrong tools even though I look female. I don't think a man (or woman) would take it well when they notice, because, like I said, relationships require intimacy and affection. So I'm stuck with a richard for another two or three years of my life, maybe more. Probably more. The procedure isn't cheap and I need money for it.
I don't really want people to know I'm trans because it changes their perception of me. You go from 'woman' to 'woman who used to be a man'. Always and for everyone. Some recognize it consciously and some subconsciously, no matter how liberal or progressive. I don't want to be recognized as the 'half-girl' or anything like that, and because of that relationships are... messy. I won't have a successful relationship until after I'm twenty-three (when everything is done and over with), and by that time I've missed quite a lot. Missed out on my childhood, teenage years, and then my young adulthood.
Even if I do meet someone tolerant of who I am prior to that, it won't go over well. love is a big fear of mine because of how wrong the package I've got is. When your body disgusts you and you can't bring yourself to look at it for long, an act that revolves around exploring it isn't as pleasurable. This means whoever is with me wouldn't get loveual release from me, and I despise cheaters with every fiber of my being. Plus there are problems that stem from my emotional state and depression - taking estrogen would only heighten my mood swings. It'd be like buying a ticket for a train you know is going to crash and blow up.
tl;dr relationships for me are complicated
pps wait why am i getting serious LOL
