Jack off in the shower
Oh but of course.
Drool.
You drool in the shower because you are weird.
And then actually take a shower
You wash your hair and manage to not drop the soap. You get yourself presentable and clean.
Use his cologne to smell very snazzy.
He doesn't seem very bright, so you might as well tell him the truth, but replace "abusive Uncle" with "abusive Grandfather" and replace "father ran away, mother died of cancer" with "mother got hit by a truck, died when 2 years old, father died of cancer." so if he does tell the police it wouldn't be that much of a biggy.
*pssssh*
You walk downstairs and find the man in the kitchen. You tell him your sob story about your dead family and abusive grandfather. He solemnly listens and feels very bad for you. He even gives you some of his food out of sympathy for your situation. You eat until your full.
"My family will be home later tonight, but can I take you anywhere within reason?"
Wow, this guy is awesome.
Status:Location: West Hartford, CT
Time: 3:15pm ET Thursday
Temperature: 65°F
Stamina: Rested
Hunger: Full
Local Heat (your apparent wanted level in a given area): Low
*You are wanted for armed robbery and indecent exposure in Somerville, MA.You are in Les Collins' house in West Hartford, CT. He gave you food and has offered to take you somewhere within reason.
Hygiene:
Shower status: Excellent
Amenities status (deodorant, body spray, cologne): Excellent
Mouth status: Excellent
Clothing Status: Decent, should be washed soon
Colon contents: WIP, six hours to reload
Items:
One set of clothing on your back (sweater, shirt, jeans, underwear, socks, shoes)
Your old clothes
Heelys
Football Gloves
Ultra Sock
Backpack
Sleeping bag
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Mouthwash
Atlas
Pen
Pad of paper
1 full box of junior mints
1 box of junior mints missing one mint
1 bottle of Coca-Cola
Gatorade$25
Texas Roadhouse gift card (Amount unknown)
Gum
$128.18
An old photo of you and your mom
An old photo of your mom taken by your dad in the hospital when you were born
An old photo of your mom with the safe, reading "Rico, plot 2270"
iPhone 6 (21% battery)
iPhone charger
An old basic flip phone, not useful for anything except phone calls (78% battery)
Phone charger (for your flip phone)
Bowie knife
Scissors
Pepper spray
Small piece of wire
Claw hammer
Flathead screwdriver
Flashlight
Your mom's locked combination safe
*
Blue indicates edible materials for replenishing hunger and/or stamina.