I.... I'm not..
I'm not the only one who read that entire graphic story and felt extremely uncomfortable afterward am I?
There's one final solution. Just shove this whole thing down the richards of baron, kochie, zapk and who ever else happens to be a member of their potato squad until it turns into a calcified crusty V shape wedge of pain and for good measure attatch fish hooks to the tip and give it a tug when they do anything handicapped.