Fortunately, Unfortunately v777

[Refticus]

fortunately, your toilet tissue armour protects you from his attacks

[Ad Bot]

[Marios]

Unfortunately, you are hallucinating the monster is attacking you and being unfriendly, so you run away in terror.

[Refticus]

fortunately, the monster was also a hallucination, but the toilet tissue armour is very real.

[Marios]

Unfortunately, you are depressed, sitting down and crying miserably as you've been protecting yourself from nothing.

[Refticus]

fortunately, the toilet tissue armour protects you from a random knife falling out of the sky, meaning it protected you from something.
you feel fufilled enough to commit seppuku.

[Marios]

Unfortunately, you were in a building, thus the knife just hits the roof. You don't really feel your life is fulfilled.

[Refticus]

fortunately, a honor student enters to shoot up the schools, blasts you in the head and freaks out about how you didn't die.
the shooter runs out stuffting himself. you feel accomplished.

[Marios]

Unfortunately, you actually Self Delete because "everything at this point is one big letdown."

[Satan From Wreck-It-Ralph]

Fortunately, it works.

[Refticus]

unfortunately, there was no afterlife and your life of being a loyal christian has gone to waste.

[Conan]

fortunately you are reborn as jesus christ XLVII, the last in a long family line of mr christs who have managed to stay out of the public eye for millenia

[TableSalt]

Unfortunately you're in an alternate universe and you are the only living person on Earth.

[Blockchip]

Not the tissue you're thinking of.

That's the joke.
Fortunately, you make new people.

[Drydess]

unfortunately, you can't because there are no girls to bang

[Refticus]

(un)fortunately, you forget a dog to make human dog hybrids.